Sitting at my desk at work crying a little. Because an old friend of mine from high school just received flowers on her birthday. From her husband, who died of Cancer about a year before her last birthday. When she got flowers last year, she assumed it was an order placed before she died and though nothing more of it. But now this year again. And shes happy about it, but also a little sad, wondering how many years they will continue.
Knowing him, I'd not be surprised if he's paid, in advance for 50 more years. Too sweet.
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Quaint, but more then a little appalling
Tiff and I booked back to back Dr appointments in a after hours clinic this week. Me, to have an implanon birth control implant removed and another inserted, and Tiff to have her first inserted.
We were given three pages of forms to fill out for background health info, as we'd not been to this clinic before, and then the Dr saw me first. Dr was young- we disagree how young, but I say late 40's, Tiff thinks early 50's. Still, young, not foreign, and obviously, well educated. He was cheery and friendly and asked me rudimentary questions about allergies, and whether I smoked, then sent me to pharmacy next store to fill the script for the new implant.
While I was off, he saw Tiff. Since she did not already have an implant, he told her it was imperative she be certain she was not currently pregnant before insertion. When she agreed she was not, he asked her how she could be so certain. She then informed him she does not have sex with men. After a moments silence, he told her. "Well then, that would make you a homosexual" and made a note in the computer for this. Then said "right- so you are single?" And Tiff informed him that no, in fact, the last girl he saw was her partner. He then grilled her on smoking, drugs and alcohol abuse before asking her why she wanted birth control in the first place. She justified this by telling him she wanted it because it regulates and reduces the menstrual cycle.
When I came back and she told me all this, I was both amused that he thought her being a homosexual made her well dogdey, and he had to ask her far more involved questions then me regarding substance abuse. We had a moment in the waiting room of giggling because I pretended to be shocked by this revelation "What"?! You are homosexual? Why did you not tell me this? Sheesh!"
But I was also shocked at how old fashioned his terminology and attitude seemed.
When I went back in to have my implant implanted, his attitude had done a 160. He was gruff and abrupt, and gone was the warmth. He was professional, and removed the old and implanted the new, but with no friendly banter whatsoever. He did ask me if I was "Aware that my friend was not straight", and I laughed and said I was aware, as we were a couple, to which he only nodded. I presume he was fact checking in case she was puling his leg? So I told him we preferred Gay/Lesbian, or even Queer to homosexual- which he made no response to. He did not, I noticed, make a note in my computer record that I too, was a homosexual. The plight of the Femme- no recognition, I tell ya!
His manner of treatment of Tiff also really got my goat because, had he bothered to read the three pages of background info- or asked us both the same questions, he'd have had a little eye opener. Tiff is a goody two shoes. I on the other hand, had info filled in about recreational drug use of several varieties.
He just never bothered to check, maybe he thinks it is something good little straight girls aren't into?
And so the search for a Dr in our new area continues!
We were given three pages of forms to fill out for background health info, as we'd not been to this clinic before, and then the Dr saw me first. Dr was young- we disagree how young, but I say late 40's, Tiff thinks early 50's. Still, young, not foreign, and obviously, well educated. He was cheery and friendly and asked me rudimentary questions about allergies, and whether I smoked, then sent me to pharmacy next store to fill the script for the new implant.
While I was off, he saw Tiff. Since she did not already have an implant, he told her it was imperative she be certain she was not currently pregnant before insertion. When she agreed she was not, he asked her how she could be so certain. She then informed him she does not have sex with men. After a moments silence, he told her. "Well then, that would make you a homosexual" and made a note in the computer for this. Then said "right- so you are single?" And Tiff informed him that no, in fact, the last girl he saw was her partner. He then grilled her on smoking, drugs and alcohol abuse before asking her why she wanted birth control in the first place. She justified this by telling him she wanted it because it regulates and reduces the menstrual cycle.
When I came back and she told me all this, I was both amused that he thought her being a homosexual made her well dogdey, and he had to ask her far more involved questions then me regarding substance abuse. We had a moment in the waiting room of giggling because I pretended to be shocked by this revelation "What"?! You are homosexual? Why did you not tell me this? Sheesh!"
But I was also shocked at how old fashioned his terminology and attitude seemed.
When I went back in to have my implant implanted, his attitude had done a 160. He was gruff and abrupt, and gone was the warmth. He was professional, and removed the old and implanted the new, but with no friendly banter whatsoever. He did ask me if I was "Aware that my friend was not straight", and I laughed and said I was aware, as we were a couple, to which he only nodded. I presume he was fact checking in case she was puling his leg? So I told him we preferred Gay/Lesbian, or even Queer to homosexual- which he made no response to. He did not, I noticed, make a note in my computer record that I too, was a homosexual. The plight of the Femme- no recognition, I tell ya!
His manner of treatment of Tiff also really got my goat because, had he bothered to read the three pages of background info- or asked us both the same questions, he'd have had a little eye opener. Tiff is a goody two shoes. I on the other hand, had info filled in about recreational drug use of several varieties.
He just never bothered to check, maybe he thinks it is something good little straight girls aren't into?
And so the search for a Dr in our new area continues!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Back in my day...
I'm 38. And I'm truly getting old. it is official-I'm now of the older generation.
I know this because yesterday I nearly assaulted two kids on the train, having to resist the urge to knock their two heads together.
Because they were stupid.
For more then thirty minutes I listened to to boys somewhere between 18 and 20, have a series of conversations, the usual banter, nothing awe- inspiring.
The conversation itself was not the issue.
My issue arose from the fact that whenever one dude said anything the other (and this worked in both directions) amusing, the other would SAY "lol". This happened many times over. I lost count in my rage.
You see, my issue stems from the fact that we, as primates, have developed a means of expressing mirth. it's called "laughter". (Or, in the milder cases, a "smile").
I've known the age thing was coming on for about a year now. My ex husbands girlfriend (whom I absolutely adore, by the way) is also much much younger(that's the way it goes, right?), and her vocabulary also makes me shudder, though I have never felt the urge to cause her harm in an effort to teach her proper diction! She will shorten words such as "totally" into "totes". I find such alterations jarring as they interrupt the flow of conversation for me, but I can get over it. I just keep telling myself that this is an evolution of the language and try not to think of it as devolution.
But to introduce as a word "lol" without any outward flicker of expression to accompany it?
is that where we are headed as a race? To the re-expression of body language. Mechanical beings without expression.
Ah well, without the presence of laugh lines, perhaps the next generation will retain their youth into their old age.
And I'm sure they will then find something equally as irritating about the youth of their day as well.
Maybe kids then will want to do something really perverse, like socialize in meatspace.
I know this because yesterday I nearly assaulted two kids on the train, having to resist the urge to knock their two heads together.
Because they were stupid.
For more then thirty minutes I listened to to boys somewhere between 18 and 20, have a series of conversations, the usual banter, nothing awe- inspiring.
The conversation itself was not the issue.
My issue arose from the fact that whenever one dude said anything the other (and this worked in both directions) amusing, the other would SAY "lol". This happened many times over. I lost count in my rage.
You see, my issue stems from the fact that we, as primates, have developed a means of expressing mirth. it's called "laughter". (Or, in the milder cases, a "smile").
I've known the age thing was coming on for about a year now. My ex husbands girlfriend (whom I absolutely adore, by the way) is also much much younger(that's the way it goes, right?), and her vocabulary also makes me shudder, though I have never felt the urge to cause her harm in an effort to teach her proper diction! She will shorten words such as "totally" into "totes". I find such alterations jarring as they interrupt the flow of conversation for me, but I can get over it. I just keep telling myself that this is an evolution of the language and try not to think of it as devolution.
But to introduce as a word "lol" without any outward flicker of expression to accompany it?
is that where we are headed as a race? To the re-expression of body language. Mechanical beings without expression.
Ah well, without the presence of laugh lines, perhaps the next generation will retain their youth into their old age.
And I'm sure they will then find something equally as irritating about the youth of their day as well.
Maybe kids then will want to do something really perverse, like socialize in meatspace.
Friday, March 09, 2012
Going Commando
We do “casual Fridays” at my office. And with the summer weather now tapering off, and the days “cooling off” to the mere high 20’s (77-84F), I decided to drag some Jeans out of storage this morning. So I’m standing in my walk in closet, trying to be quiet as the girlthing is still asleep, wiggling in and out of jeans I have not worn in about a year trying to find a pair I like. I fell over only once, after getting a leg stuck, but even me crashing into shelving and tipping over in an ungainly heap on the hardwood did not rouse the gently snoring boobs in the bed.
Having settled on a pair that was comfy, I buggered off to work. After a 40 minute train journey into the city and having drunk enough coffee to wake up sufficiently, I step off the train onto a breezy train platform to realize I am not wearing any underwear. I went from “trying on for size” to breakfast in the kitchen having skipped the step of underwear.
Now, for years, underwear was optional for me. But for past year or so I’ve gotten back into the habit of wearing them every day. And apparently that’s where my comfort zone is now. Because I have now spent several hours since this breezy discover completely and utterly focussed on the lack of underwear inside my pants. I’m careful when bending to sit, avoiding bending or squatting, and generally imagining myself in a multitude of situations which might lend to my jeans splitting and my arse hanging out for the world to see.
Is this paranoia?
Or worse yet, the gift of premonition?
I only hope I make it through the day with my dignity intact
Having settled on a pair that was comfy, I buggered off to work. After a 40 minute train journey into the city and having drunk enough coffee to wake up sufficiently, I step off the train onto a breezy train platform to realize I am not wearing any underwear. I went from “trying on for size” to breakfast in the kitchen having skipped the step of underwear.
Now, for years, underwear was optional for me. But for past year or so I’ve gotten back into the habit of wearing them every day. And apparently that’s where my comfort zone is now. Because I have now spent several hours since this breezy discover completely and utterly focussed on the lack of underwear inside my pants. I’m careful when bending to sit, avoiding bending or squatting, and generally imagining myself in a multitude of situations which might lend to my jeans splitting and my arse hanging out for the world to see.
Is this paranoia?
Or worse yet, the gift of premonition?
I only hope I make it through the day with my dignity intact
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Records night
Fantastic night out. Lots of old faces, plenty of pervery to watch- and partake it- even the rain did not ruin the good spirits and enthusiasm. Great atmosphere.
Was meant to be partaking in a record to place the most amount of clothespegs on a scrotum, but got most of way to event before realizing in had forgotten the pegs. Pulled into a late night convenience store and was lucky enough to find one with pegs on the shelves. Tiff and I stood there debating for a few moments about how many packs of 50 we should get. So I'm standing there holding several very large (I mean in a physical space sort of way)packs and wondering aloud "I'm not sure- how far can a scrotum stretch you reckon?
The two boys working in the shop were a little pained, and I think very happy when we finally left. And I'm glad I bought both packs, as I needed them. Also landed a record for landing 1862 cane strokes in ten minutes.
Two of my favourite pervs are still sleeping in the spare room, and another friend(and former housemate) who moved away a year ago is on her way to mine, having driven for past three days straight from Tasmania to move back to Qld. Very much looking forward to the catch up.
Hopefully Tiffs brother will come over today to to fix my car, as the fuel line is is busted, split or otherwise leaking to the point of being undrivable.
I'm thinking I need a massage, or maybe just head out to a film- need to unwind a little and shut the brain down a bit as I am still far too wired.
Was meant to be partaking in a record to place the most amount of clothespegs on a scrotum, but got most of way to event before realizing in had forgotten the pegs. Pulled into a late night convenience store and was lucky enough to find one with pegs on the shelves. Tiff and I stood there debating for a few moments about how many packs of 50 we should get. So I'm standing there holding several very large (I mean in a physical space sort of way)packs and wondering aloud "I'm not sure- how far can a scrotum stretch you reckon?
The two boys working in the shop were a little pained, and I think very happy when we finally left. And I'm glad I bought both packs, as I needed them. Also landed a record for landing 1862 cane strokes in ten minutes.
Two of my favourite pervs are still sleeping in the spare room, and another friend(and former housemate) who moved away a year ago is on her way to mine, having driven for past three days straight from Tasmania to move back to Qld. Very much looking forward to the catch up.
Hopefully Tiffs brother will come over today to to fix my car, as the fuel line is is busted, split or otherwise leaking to the point of being undrivable.
I'm thinking I need a massage, or maybe just head out to a film- need to unwind a little and shut the brain down a bit as I am still far too wired.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Bursting!
Belly is too full of too much Indian food. Blergh!
Had a "stop-start, rewind" kind of morning. Got up early, left the girl dozing in the warm comfy bed, headed to train station to see train puling away. Pulled over, went to call Tiff to tell her I would be taking the car to work, only to find I left my phone at home. Drove home. got phone, told the now awake girl I was taking car, and off I set for the drive into the city.
5 kms away from home, I noticed the digital readout of gar consumption had gone down by 30 kms. Turn around, go home again, park the car on the road and have Tiff come out and drive me to work in the other care, because mine clearly has a leak in the fuel line.
Three attempts to get out of the house almost had me call in sick. Almost, but curiosity got the better of me. The axe is still falling in NSW, so I'm still not sure what the fallout for my accounts will be yet. Once I know who's been cut, I'll have to prepare a few things and get to know some replacements, then train them to see things my way:)
What a day, what a week. I'm glad there was good food, ready access to good wine, and a fantastic girl to snuggle with at the end of it all.
Had a "stop-start, rewind" kind of morning. Got up early, left the girl dozing in the warm comfy bed, headed to train station to see train puling away. Pulled over, went to call Tiff to tell her I would be taking the car to work, only to find I left my phone at home. Drove home. got phone, told the now awake girl I was taking car, and off I set for the drive into the city.
5 kms away from home, I noticed the digital readout of gar consumption had gone down by 30 kms. Turn around, go home again, park the car on the road and have Tiff come out and drive me to work in the other care, because mine clearly has a leak in the fuel line.
Three attempts to get out of the house almost had me call in sick. Almost, but curiosity got the better of me. The axe is still falling in NSW, so I'm still not sure what the fallout for my accounts will be yet. Once I know who's been cut, I'll have to prepare a few things and get to know some replacements, then train them to see things my way:)
What a day, what a week. I'm glad there was good food, ready access to good wine, and a fantastic girl to snuggle with at the end of it all.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Gearing up
It's Thursday night, the weekend is so close I can taste it ticking the back of my tongue like chocolate ripple ice cream.
I've a weekend planned that might wind up being a messy one, given the stressy week that has been, and the amount of wine on my wine rack.
We have three known house guests coming this weekend, all here in town to attend Queensland's biggest perve event of the year, a kinksters version of Guinness records. I'm only participating in two events this year- placement of the most clothepegs on a scrotum (not mine, obviously!) and also in a tandem caning event. I'm also a DM for the night. Records night typically includes 100-150 people- which to my friends in London will seem like a small party, but it is big news here, and always a spectacularly fun night.
So the house is messy, the vaccuming needs doing, beds need making, and all I'm concerned about is cramming enough wine in the fridge to chill and looking forward to unwinding with some of the most bizarrely fun people I know.
Cheers!
I've a weekend planned that might wind up being a messy one, given the stressy week that has been, and the amount of wine on my wine rack.
We have three known house guests coming this weekend, all here in town to attend Queensland's biggest perve event of the year, a kinksters version of Guinness records. I'm only participating in two events this year- placement of the most clothepegs on a scrotum (not mine, obviously!) and also in a tandem caning event. I'm also a DM for the night. Records night typically includes 100-150 people- which to my friends in London will seem like a small party, but it is big news here, and always a spectacularly fun night.
So the house is messy, the vaccuming needs doing, beds need making, and all I'm concerned about is cramming enough wine in the fridge to chill and looking forward to unwinding with some of the most bizarrely fun people I know.
Cheers!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Safe on First!
Drama drama all round at work today. Bottom line- I am safe until end of financial year, June 30 when there may be further cutbacks. Have also been warned that there may be wage freeze instated, but that current pay scale, current bonus structure will remain as per contract. Surprised to find it was not all underlings that went- those out the door in our (head) office included management. Some did not take it gracefully, partaking in a little sabotage by way of deleting documentation which would make the handover easier and needing to be physically escorted off premises.
We lost 30 people- I'm still waiting for final numbers for New South Wales, which is the state I manage the portfolio for. They are already trying to manage the natural expectation that people will jump ship in the coming months, by indicating that those who stick it out will be rewarded. I've faith the company will make it through- they have successfully weather three other economic slowdowns by recognizing the issues in advance, and taking steps- like now- to cut back before it becomes an absolute necessity.
I like my work, I'm happy to stick around for now. Temp wage freeze is not off putting- I'm payed 10 grand more then my last role, and I'd rather HAVE a steady wage then nit pick about 60 bucks a week, especially with the indication being that at end of freeze, raise is immediate with an extra thrown in to thank people for sticking around.
Tension filled times at the office, and happy there is a little breathing space for me.
Great commute home, chatting with co worker for half of the journey that we share, and wound up debating whether really well hung midget men can tuck their willy into their sock, and how that must be a really fucking odd sensation for them. Half the train car got quiet to listen in and be amused by us.
Came home to a fantastic full roast dinner. NOW I am slowly beginning to remember the joys of a partner who works shift work. She is very good to me. Now if only I could convince her to put out three times daily...
We lost 30 people- I'm still waiting for final numbers for New South Wales, which is the state I manage the portfolio for. They are already trying to manage the natural expectation that people will jump ship in the coming months, by indicating that those who stick it out will be rewarded. I've faith the company will make it through- they have successfully weather three other economic slowdowns by recognizing the issues in advance, and taking steps- like now- to cut back before it becomes an absolute necessity.
I like my work, I'm happy to stick around for now. Temp wage freeze is not off putting- I'm payed 10 grand more then my last role, and I'd rather HAVE a steady wage then nit pick about 60 bucks a week, especially with the indication being that at end of freeze, raise is immediate with an extra thrown in to thank people for sticking around.
Tension filled times at the office, and happy there is a little breathing space for me.
Great commute home, chatting with co worker for half of the journey that we share, and wound up debating whether really well hung midget men can tuck their willy into their sock, and how that must be a really fucking odd sensation for them. Half the train car got quiet to listen in and be amused by us.
Came home to a fantastic full roast dinner. NOW I am slowly beginning to remember the joys of a partner who works shift work. She is very good to me. Now if only I could convince her to put out three times daily...
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I should have stayed in bed
The girlfriend went back to her first night shift in months last night, after months of daytime classwork. So I slept only fitfully all night, as the bed felt big and empty without her.
Woke up too groggy to contemplate breakfast so poured a coffee in a travel mug intending to eat at the office.
Got to station in time to see the train pulling away. While waiting for the next train, I realized I had left my coffee on the kitchen counter at home. Normally 50 minute journey took 95 minutes, due to multiple long stopages waiting for faulty signals on the tracks.
Got to work to be told of massive, company wide non voluntary redundancies. Our dept is one of lucky ones- we are losing at least 3 of our 14 team. And the kicker is we do not know who. They are planning to tell people on a one to one basis throughout the week. I'm fairly certain that I am secure, but until the announcements are all complete, I won't feel safe. And the suckful thing is even if I am safe, someone I know will be upset before the week is over.
It was a rough atmosphere to work in today.
And come home to find another drama from the real estate agent, who is trying to oncharge us for an emergency plumer bill.
Tommorow will be better. Right?
Woke up too groggy to contemplate breakfast so poured a coffee in a travel mug intending to eat at the office.
Got to station in time to see the train pulling away. While waiting for the next train, I realized I had left my coffee on the kitchen counter at home. Normally 50 minute journey took 95 minutes, due to multiple long stopages waiting for faulty signals on the tracks.
Got to work to be told of massive, company wide non voluntary redundancies. Our dept is one of lucky ones- we are losing at least 3 of our 14 team. And the kicker is we do not know who. They are planning to tell people on a one to one basis throughout the week. I'm fairly certain that I am secure, but until the announcements are all complete, I won't feel safe. And the suckful thing is even if I am safe, someone I know will be upset before the week is over.
It was a rough atmosphere to work in today.
And come home to find another drama from the real estate agent, who is trying to oncharge us for an emergency plumer bill.
Tommorow will be better. Right?
Monday, May 09, 2011
Nose to the grindstone
So I've been a housewife for about 3 years. And today I started full time work again. I had looked for work often enough in the past few years- but not so much as a bite. Could not seem to get an interview- and that's all I needed. I've never done and interview and not been offered the job. Last month, I re-vamped my resume and write an updated template cover letter, then threw out a dozen applications on various office/accounts positions.
Got two interviews, got offered both jobs. Spent a couple of days going back and forth trying to decide which to take, and spent today in the new office. Very pleased with the decision I made. Large, efficiently run office full of long-serving, happy staff members. Several unexpected perks and extras in my contract that were not discussed in interview, and a corporate environment liberal enough to be accepting of a same sex partner when it came to some of the extras, such as family leave and family health insurance. So yay!
Today was mostly just a swa,ping of information, but no real hands on work. Tomorrow I get thrown off the deep end to sink or swim, as my trainer/co-worker leaves next week for holidays and they want me up to speed before then.
Wheeeee!
Got two interviews, got offered both jobs. Spent a couple of days going back and forth trying to decide which to take, and spent today in the new office. Very pleased with the decision I made. Large, efficiently run office full of long-serving, happy staff members. Several unexpected perks and extras in my contract that were not discussed in interview, and a corporate environment liberal enough to be accepting of a same sex partner when it came to some of the extras, such as family leave and family health insurance. So yay!
Today was mostly just a swa,ping of information, but no real hands on work. Tomorrow I get thrown off the deep end to sink or swim, as my trainer/co-worker leaves next week for holidays and they want me up to speed before then.
Wheeeee!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
And then the bitch spanked me!
A cute wee Asian lady just totally made me her bitch- and you know what? I kinda liked it!
I went to have my nails done, but got a little more of a smack- down then I have bargained for.
Her; "I do your nails before, yes?"
Me; "Yes, several times."
Her; (while making clicking noises with her tongue to indicate disapproval) "You no take care of them!"
Me; (looking at my right hand, missing three tips, with two nails bitten till fingers had bled at some point in past few days) "No, you are right, I have not- I bite them- but that's why I keep acrylics on!"
Her; (raps my knuckles with her nail file) "You are very bad- very naughty girl! You should be spanked, yes? No more biting!"
Me; (Meekly) "Yes, Ma'am!"
(I gave her a tip for the sheer chutzpa!)
I went to have my nails done, but got a little more of a smack- down then I have bargained for.
Her; "I do your nails before, yes?"
Me; "Yes, several times."
Her; (while making clicking noises with her tongue to indicate disapproval) "You no take care of them!"
Me; (looking at my right hand, missing three tips, with two nails bitten till fingers had bled at some point in past few days) "No, you are right, I have not- I bite them- but that's why I keep acrylics on!"
Her; (raps my knuckles with her nail file) "You are very bad- very naughty girl! You should be spanked, yes? No more biting!"
Me; (Meekly) "Yes, Ma'am!"
(I gave her a tip for the sheer chutzpa!)
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A year in review.
The Year of the Tiger 2010 (ending on Feb 2nd, 2011) is a Yang Metal year, and it's a year of much activity, drama, changefulness, crisis, and unpredictability. Tiger years are associated with political and social instability or upheaval. Metal is not a very compatible element for Tiger (Tiger prefers Wood and Fire), and thus 2010 is expected to be challenging and turbulent overall.
(from; http://www.cafeastrology.com/articles/chinese_2010_horoscope_year_of_tiger.html)
I don't pay attention to horoscopes and the like- but holy hell, was the Chinese "year of the Tiger" true to form or what?
it was a year of immense change for me. For the first time ever, I willingly and actively cut ties to several friendships- those that know me will know how rare it is for me to walk away form someone once they are in my inner circle. I protect friendships fiercely. But I've grown to accept that friendship like everything else in life, must find a happy balance to be sustainable. I've used up so much of myself in my own relationship these past few years there was little left to go around, and so I culled those who were costing me more emotion then I could afford- those that cost me to much with little benefit in return. I'm taking back my right to chose who I expend energy saving.
We moved, several times, culling a small mountain of possessions each time- finally we have de-cluttered to a livable amount, and it feels bloody fantastic.
I began a relationship with an utterly remarkable woman. Possible only because I exercised true patience for the first time in my adult life.
I had my first major accident in 22 years of driving. Totally wrote off the car. Hit a guard rail going 100 Kms an hour and walked away with nothing more then bruising, a sore face/jaw and a hand full of broken bloody fingernails. Considering the guard rail was all that was between us and a drop off, and the speed we were traveling, our luck was considerable.
I realized that I have compromised in my second marriage all that I can. Poly has always been a tricky thing for me, and there are some boundaries I just cannot erase. Complete unrestricted access to other sexual partners is farther then my mind can stretch. I'm not sorry I tried it- again- I learned enough along the way to know that- once again- I need to follow my gut instinct the first time round. And so, my second husband and I have separated. I was not ready for it. It hurts like buggery, but we're striving hard to remain friends. We will see how that pans out with a little time.
A year of great loss.
A year of great change.
Absolutely everything in my life is different then it was one year ago. Some changes I saw coming, some sucker punched me when I was not paying attention. All are devastating in their own way.
And so the end of the year sees me suddenly having to shift my focus in ways I never imagined.
With great changes come great opportunity. I'm not sure I understand all the reasons for the ending of my relationships yet- But I am confident that I did all I could. Gave all I could give. I walk away with my sense of ethics intact.
I spent much of the year feeling unloved, un- appreciated, under estimate, unattractive. So it's time to say a big "screw you" to the Year of the Tiger.
I'm ready to see what the next year holds.
I'm ready to great it with a Rebel Yell.
I want to know what's down the rabbit hole.
From; http://www.chiff.com/a/chinese-horoscopes.htm
General predictions for the Year of the Rabbit
The year of the Rabbit is traditionally associated with home and family, artistic pursuits, diplomacy, and keeping the peace. Therefore, 2011 is very likely to be a relatively calmer one than 2010 both on the world scene, as well as on a personal level.
(from; http://www.cafeastrology.com/articles/chinese_2010_horoscope_year_of_tiger.html)
I don't pay attention to horoscopes and the like- but holy hell, was the Chinese "year of the Tiger" true to form or what?
it was a year of immense change for me. For the first time ever, I willingly and actively cut ties to several friendships- those that know me will know how rare it is for me to walk away form someone once they are in my inner circle. I protect friendships fiercely. But I've grown to accept that friendship like everything else in life, must find a happy balance to be sustainable. I've used up so much of myself in my own relationship these past few years there was little left to go around, and so I culled those who were costing me more emotion then I could afford- those that cost me to much with little benefit in return. I'm taking back my right to chose who I expend energy saving.
We moved, several times, culling a small mountain of possessions each time- finally we have de-cluttered to a livable amount, and it feels bloody fantastic.
I began a relationship with an utterly remarkable woman. Possible only because I exercised true patience for the first time in my adult life.
I had my first major accident in 22 years of driving. Totally wrote off the car. Hit a guard rail going 100 Kms an hour and walked away with nothing more then bruising, a sore face/jaw and a hand full of broken bloody fingernails. Considering the guard rail was all that was between us and a drop off, and the speed we were traveling, our luck was considerable.
I realized that I have compromised in my second marriage all that I can. Poly has always been a tricky thing for me, and there are some boundaries I just cannot erase. Complete unrestricted access to other sexual partners is farther then my mind can stretch. I'm not sorry I tried it- again- I learned enough along the way to know that- once again- I need to follow my gut instinct the first time round. And so, my second husband and I have separated. I was not ready for it. It hurts like buggery, but we're striving hard to remain friends. We will see how that pans out with a little time.
A year of great loss.
A year of great change.
Absolutely everything in my life is different then it was one year ago. Some changes I saw coming, some sucker punched me when I was not paying attention. All are devastating in their own way.
And so the end of the year sees me suddenly having to shift my focus in ways I never imagined.
With great changes come great opportunity. I'm not sure I understand all the reasons for the ending of my relationships yet- But I am confident that I did all I could. Gave all I could give. I walk away with my sense of ethics intact.
I spent much of the year feeling unloved, un- appreciated, under estimate, unattractive. So it's time to say a big "screw you" to the Year of the Tiger.
I'm ready to see what the next year holds.
I'm ready to great it with a Rebel Yell.
I want to know what's down the rabbit hole.
From; http://www.chiff.com/a/chinese-horoscopes.htm
General predictions for the Year of the Rabbit
The year of the Rabbit is traditionally associated with home and family, artistic pursuits, diplomacy, and keeping the peace. Therefore, 2011 is very likely to be a relatively calmer one than 2010 both on the world scene, as well as on a personal level.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Fair and ethical treatment.
Was reading Paula's entry on Cyclone Yasi this morning, and felt compelled to have my say.
I was surprised and impressed at how often local coverage of the recent floods here compared the local stats to the devastation in Haiti, and in Bali after wild weather in those places in past year or two- and even in the midst of local suffering, there was a tendency to compare those events to illustrate how, in relation, we've been affected so much less then others. It was pointed out time and again the impact of other poorer nations was not properly covered or understood.
The cyclone that hit last night and will continue through much of today is still 11 hours north of me- but, like the recent flooding in my area- the ongoing effects will be tremendous. There are thousands of people already homeless here in South- east Qld- and by tomorrow there will be thousands more homes rendered unlivable. The crop devastation will push prices skyward for basic food staples- some of which will be imported from elsewhere- and some of which will simply not be available. Increasing prices for basic everyday staples will put more pressure on people who have already suffered devastating losses.
But do you know what really gets my goat? Palm Island, off the coast near Mission Beach, which was "ground zero" in relation to Cyclone Yasi coming ashore- is populated by a large aboriginal group. Other islands in the region were evacuated. Palm Island was not.
State government personnel, teachers, hospital workers and the police, they were advised to leave earlier in the week. Some left, some stayed.
Four evacuation centers were announced- but only one of them was above the level of expected sea rise during the storm- and that one was not capable of holding all 3500 residents.
Other area has Army and Emergency Services going door to door urging people to leave, and telling them what services were available to assist them leaving the islands and where they would be able to take refuge on the mainland. Not on Palm Island.
Many of these residents do not read newspapers, and do not have TV's. The next few days will reveal what happened in the complete absence of fair and just treatment.
I was surprised and impressed at how often local coverage of the recent floods here compared the local stats to the devastation in Haiti, and in Bali after wild weather in those places in past year or two- and even in the midst of local suffering, there was a tendency to compare those events to illustrate how, in relation, we've been affected so much less then others. It was pointed out time and again the impact of other poorer nations was not properly covered or understood.
The cyclone that hit last night and will continue through much of today is still 11 hours north of me- but, like the recent flooding in my area- the ongoing effects will be tremendous. There are thousands of people already homeless here in South- east Qld- and by tomorrow there will be thousands more homes rendered unlivable. The crop devastation will push prices skyward for basic food staples- some of which will be imported from elsewhere- and some of which will simply not be available. Increasing prices for basic everyday staples will put more pressure on people who have already suffered devastating losses.
But do you know what really gets my goat? Palm Island, off the coast near Mission Beach, which was "ground zero" in relation to Cyclone Yasi coming ashore- is populated by a large aboriginal group. Other islands in the region were evacuated. Palm Island was not.
State government personnel, teachers, hospital workers and the police, they were advised to leave earlier in the week. Some left, some stayed.
Four evacuation centers were announced- but only one of them was above the level of expected sea rise during the storm- and that one was not capable of holding all 3500 residents.
Other area has Army and Emergency Services going door to door urging people to leave, and telling them what services were available to assist them leaving the islands and where they would be able to take refuge on the mainland. Not on Palm Island.
Many of these residents do not read newspapers, and do not have TV's. The next few days will reveal what happened in the complete absence of fair and just treatment.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Pillow Talk, Volume one
So when either of us (or both of us) are sleepy, we have the most bucket- worthy conversations you can imagine. One or the other of us will out with some spew-worthy gem the likes of which would turn your stomach with the cute-ness. Last night was Tom_Kitten's turn.
Future installments to come!
Me; "you have the cutest dimples!"
Her; (Indignantly) " I do not have dimples. I have dents."
Me; "Well, my extreme apologies- you have the worlds cutest "dents"."
Her; "I got the dents when all the happiness ran into me"
Future installments to come!
Me; "you have the cutest dimples!"
Her; (Indignantly) " I do not have dimples. I have dents."
Me; "Well, my extreme apologies- you have the worlds cutest "dents"."
Her; "I got the dents when all the happiness ran into me"
Thursday, January 27, 2011
And so I chose to live my life by the sea and sand...
But more wonderful than the lore of old men and the lore of books is the secret lore of ocean.
H. P. Lovecraft
Am back home from a couple of days spent down the coast. My girlfriend Tom and I disappeared to give my recently ex husband the house and some privacy, as he had his new girlthing over for the first overnight stay. She was still here when we got home, and was apparently quite nervous about meeting me- can't imagine why!
But- any excuse to get me to the ocean, so we took off in the new shitebox (I totaled my car in late November/early December, in the same week that Sean and I split- the two events were totally unrelated!)- its a '96 Magna that I bought for less then two grand- but it seems to be serving it's purpose well for now. I plan to accentuate it in grand fashion thusly;
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/COOL-SET-4-CAR-FLOORMATS-ZEBRA-PURPLE-GOODQUALITY-_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem35a2c6da32QQitemZ230364207666QQptZMotorsQ5fCarQ5fTruckQ5fPartsQ5fAccessories
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/FRONT-CAR-SEAT-COVERS-REAR-ZEBRA-PURPLE-HIGHQUALITY-_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem35aef1e017QQitemZ230568353815QQptZMotorsQ5fCarQ5fTruckQ5fPartsQ5fAccessories
Awoke on Australia day morning to the sound of Tom's alarm going off at 4:15 am- because she had forgotten once again to turn off her work alarm on her day off. So I decided since I was now awake, so could she be. Spent the world's most perfect morning, sitting with our toes buried in the sand, snuggling with a coffee while watching the sun rise in the sky on a perfect Gold Coast morning. The perfection of the moment impacted so heavily with us that we made a big, possibly life-changing decision on the spot; When we get ourselves sorted out to move, we're leaving Brisbane and moving down the coast.
We are currently in a lease with my now ex until October. It might be possible to move before then in a break lease situation if new tenants can be found. But we've booked a holiday in Sydney for Mardi Gras in March, so the general plan is to do that and then start saving for a bond and for the moving costs after the Sydney trip. Once we can swing it financially, we will approach the current rental agents about finding someone new to take over. There are plenty of vacancies on the coast- it's a bit of a renters market at the moment- and with a good history/references, and the cash to move with finding the new place should be easy enough.
I'm stupendously excited.
Just as the wave cannot exist for itself, but is ever a part of the heaving surface of the ocean, so must I never live my life for itself, but always in the experience which is going on around me.
Albert Schweitzer
H. P. Lovecraft
Am back home from a couple of days spent down the coast. My girlfriend Tom and I disappeared to give my recently ex husband the house and some privacy, as he had his new girlthing over for the first overnight stay. She was still here when we got home, and was apparently quite nervous about meeting me- can't imagine why!
But- any excuse to get me to the ocean, so we took off in the new shitebox (I totaled my car in late November/early December, in the same week that Sean and I split- the two events were totally unrelated!)- its a '96 Magna that I bought for less then two grand- but it seems to be serving it's purpose well for now. I plan to accentuate it in grand fashion thusly;
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/COOL-SET-4-CAR-FLOORMATS-ZEBRA-PURPLE-GOODQUALITY-_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem35a2c6da32QQitemZ230364207666QQptZMotorsQ5fCarQ5fTruckQ5fPartsQ5fAccessories
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/FRONT-CAR-SEAT-COVERS-REAR-ZEBRA-PURPLE-HIGHQUALITY-_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem35aef1e017QQitemZ230568353815QQptZMotorsQ5fCarQ5fTruckQ5fPartsQ5fAccessories
Awoke on Australia day morning to the sound of Tom's alarm going off at 4:15 am- because she had forgotten once again to turn off her work alarm on her day off. So I decided since I was now awake, so could she be. Spent the world's most perfect morning, sitting with our toes buried in the sand, snuggling with a coffee while watching the sun rise in the sky on a perfect Gold Coast morning. The perfection of the moment impacted so heavily with us that we made a big, possibly life-changing decision on the spot; When we get ourselves sorted out to move, we're leaving Brisbane and moving down the coast.
We are currently in a lease with my now ex until October. It might be possible to move before then in a break lease situation if new tenants can be found. But we've booked a holiday in Sydney for Mardi Gras in March, so the general plan is to do that and then start saving for a bond and for the moving costs after the Sydney trip. Once we can swing it financially, we will approach the current rental agents about finding someone new to take over. There are plenty of vacancies on the coast- it's a bit of a renters market at the moment- and with a good history/references, and the cash to move with finding the new place should be easy enough.
I'm stupendously excited.
Just as the wave cannot exist for itself, but is ever a part of the heaving surface of the ocean, so must I never live my life for itself, but always in the experience which is going on around me.
Albert Schweitzer
To compromise or not to compromise? That is the question!
What's your deepest, darkest fear? Have you tried to overcome it?
For as long as I can remember, it has always been the same;
That I am not enough.
And I have tried getting around it- always attempting to be better, but have recently re-acquainted myself with the fact that if I change, it has to be for personal growth and at my own incentive.
Forcing myself to change because others wish me to be different is a temporary fix to a bigger problem. Compromise has to come from both ends of the stick if you are to meet in the middle. If only one person is adjusting their outlook, that is not compromise;
it is surrender.
I'm taking back my white flag. Maybe I'll tye- dye it!
For as long as I can remember, it has always been the same;
That I am not enough.
And I have tried getting around it- always attempting to be better, but have recently re-acquainted myself with the fact that if I change, it has to be for personal growth and at my own incentive.
Forcing myself to change because others wish me to be different is a temporary fix to a bigger problem. Compromise has to come from both ends of the stick if you are to meet in the middle. If only one person is adjusting their outlook, that is not compromise;
it is surrender.
I'm taking back my white flag. Maybe I'll tye- dye it!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Change the clocks, please!
Queensland does not ~do~ daylight savings. They have had several referendums on the matter, and it is rejected each time, with the overwhelming issues seemingly to do with the fact that people cannot grasp that to change the clocks is not to ADD an hour of daylight, but to adjust when it occurs.
Reasons to reject daylight savings include; kids will get more sunburns, quiet evenings at home will be ruined by people running lawnmowers at night, kids won't go to bed early enough if it is light outside, people won't wake properly if it is dark outside, people will have more accidents because they are tired. There is a joke running around that other reasons included cows will be confused about when to milk and curtains will fade quicker with more sun exposure, but these reasons at least seem to be myths.
But seriously- it is well light bow shortly after 4 am as summer begins here. But it is dark at about 6:30 pm. WTF? My body clock is adjusting an I'm waking far too early to be reasonable.
On the other hand, being awake at that hour has led to me appreciating the spectacular birdlife in my area. In my backyard this morning was a Major Mitchell Cockatoo;
A couple of bellbirds, with the most amazing calls;
And of course, the ever-present but still delightful Kookaburras;
There are some benefits to being alert at this hour- but by 9 pm tonight I'll be yawning and desperate for bed.
Maybe I'm just getting old?
Reasons to reject daylight savings include; kids will get more sunburns, quiet evenings at home will be ruined by people running lawnmowers at night, kids won't go to bed early enough if it is light outside, people won't wake properly if it is dark outside, people will have more accidents because they are tired. There is a joke running around that other reasons included cows will be confused about when to milk and curtains will fade quicker with more sun exposure, but these reasons at least seem to be myths.
But seriously- it is well light bow shortly after 4 am as summer begins here. But it is dark at about 6:30 pm. WTF? My body clock is adjusting an I'm waking far too early to be reasonable.
On the other hand, being awake at that hour has led to me appreciating the spectacular birdlife in my area. In my backyard this morning was a Major Mitchell Cockatoo;
A couple of bellbirds, with the most amazing calls;
And of course, the ever-present but still delightful Kookaburras;
There are some benefits to being alert at this hour- but by 9 pm tonight I'll be yawning and desperate for bed.
Maybe I'm just getting old?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Wanderlust
I love this track. Sean sent it to me when he and I were still an online promise of things to come, and I fell in love with the melancholic beauty of it's lyrics. It captures so much of what I feel as someone who has traveled so much, lived in so many cities, left so many friends behind.
A few weeks ago, I was missing my grandmother's jam. A couple of days ago I got an invite to my friend's upcoming birthday party home in Newfoundland. Last night, I had a chat with Paula.
All things combined, today I'm restless. I miss my people. I want to bring my husband, my girlfriend on a trip around the world and show them all my favourite places, favourite spaces, favourite faces.
Life is tremendously good right now.I feel blessed, lucky, peaceful and content with my lot in life. Summer is just rolling in, my coursework is nearly done, our social life is, if anything a little TOO full at the moment. I'm surrounded by happiness and love.
So why is it that I have the overwhelming urge to leave it all and go somewhere?
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Birthday Reflections
I turn 37 this week.
In his 37th year, Michelangelo finally finished painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
In his 37th year, Charles Dickens penned David Copperfield.
I don't know what I will do with my 37th year. But I know I've had a hell of a blast getting this far.
I've been in love.
I've been married. I've been Divorced.
I've been married again, knowing the first was not a mistake. It was what it was.
I've been an alpha and a beta in a poly relationship. I'm still learning about that.
I still fall in love easily, despite being picky about who I let into my life.
I've lived in 5 different countries. 10 Cities. Dozens of homes.
I've danced the night away.
I've a working knowledge of 5 languages. I can only speak one.
I've two university degrees.I no longer work in either field.
I've blown soap bubbles in the Vatican.
I've excavated a 4000 year old arrowhead. And the dogtags of a WWII soldier.
I've ridden the rails coast to coast in Canada. And driven the same route.
I am one degree form Kevin Bacon.
I've spend weeks meandering through New England on a road trip with no destination.
I've visited Stephen King's house. And "Dracula's" castle.
I've snorkeled on the great barrier reef.
I've worked as a telemarketer.
I've visited all the tourist traps of London. And of Rome.
I've thrown snowballs on a Glacier.
I've been in Love.
I've touched a whale in the ocean.
I've dived with Seals. And I've been on safari.
I've stood on the CN Tower,The Empire State,the London eye.And I'm afraid of heights.
I've been homeless.
I've been blessed with friends close enough to become my family.
I've fired a gun.
I've watched a child be born. And I've held a loved one as they died.
I've been arrested and held overnight.
I've made a fan belt out of pantyhose. But I've never put air in a tire.
I've been to Stonehenge at solstice.
I've been an extra in a movie.
I've stood on the easternmost point of North America. And the northernmost of Europe.
I've been to Patpong.
I've been fired. And I've quit without notice.
I've hiked the Fjords of Scandinavia. And looked 1 km, straight down a cliff-face.
I've kayaked the ocean at midnight, during 24 hour sun.
I've appeared on-stage. And forgot my line on opening night.
I've rescued a bat. And a baby seagull. Both were successfully released.
I've had 11 different species of pets. 13 if you count people :)
I've broken bones doing something foolish.
I've been in love.
What a wonderful life!
In his 37th year, Michelangelo finally finished painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
In his 37th year, Charles Dickens penned David Copperfield.
I don't know what I will do with my 37th year. But I know I've had a hell of a blast getting this far.
I've been in love.
I've been married. I've been Divorced.
I've been married again, knowing the first was not a mistake. It was what it was.
I've been an alpha and a beta in a poly relationship. I'm still learning about that.
I still fall in love easily, despite being picky about who I let into my life.
I've lived in 5 different countries. 10 Cities. Dozens of homes.
I've danced the night away.
I've a working knowledge of 5 languages. I can only speak one.
I've two university degrees.I no longer work in either field.
I've blown soap bubbles in the Vatican.
I've excavated a 4000 year old arrowhead. And the dogtags of a WWII soldier.
I've ridden the rails coast to coast in Canada. And driven the same route.
I am one degree form Kevin Bacon.
I've spend weeks meandering through New England on a road trip with no destination.
I've visited Stephen King's house. And "Dracula's" castle.
I've snorkeled on the great barrier reef.
I've worked as a telemarketer.
I've visited all the tourist traps of London. And of Rome.
I've thrown snowballs on a Glacier.
I've been in Love.
I've touched a whale in the ocean.
I've dived with Seals. And I've been on safari.
I've stood on the CN Tower,The Empire State,the London eye.And I'm afraid of heights.
I've been homeless.
I've been blessed with friends close enough to become my family.
I've fired a gun.
I've watched a child be born. And I've held a loved one as they died.
I've been arrested and held overnight.
I've made a fan belt out of pantyhose. But I've never put air in a tire.
I've been to Stonehenge at solstice.
I've been an extra in a movie.
I've stood on the easternmost point of North America. And the northernmost of Europe.
I've been to Patpong.
I've been fired. And I've quit without notice.
I've hiked the Fjords of Scandinavia. And looked 1 km, straight down a cliff-face.
I've kayaked the ocean at midnight, during 24 hour sun.
I've appeared on-stage. And forgot my line on opening night.
I've rescued a bat. And a baby seagull. Both were successfully released.
I've had 11 different species of pets. 13 if you count people :)
I've broken bones doing something foolish.
I've been in love.
What a wonderful life!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Compulsions
Everyone's got em. Whether you are on of those people who simply has to straighten up a painting that squish on a wall, have to fold your towels a certain way, must point out incorrect spelling, have to load your dishwasher a specific way. Do you put your socks on first or last?
I wind up being mommy, or a caretaker to just about everyone in my life. I have a compulsion to fix people I love- irregardless if they have asked me for help or if I should keep my fucking nose out of their business.
I've had relationships end because I interfered where I was not wanted, and I've had them end because I could not cope with my own failure when the broken things did not get fixed.
I thought I had successfully overcome this compulsion some years back. I was delusional.
Today I had someone point out that I was being insufferably rude for continuing to push their emotional buttons, and I also had to watch several people I love fall apart a little at the seams while I refrained from demanding they tell me all about it so I could make it all go away for them.
Fact is, I can't fix the world.
And that hurts.
So much sadness, so much self destruction, so much waste of a life that should consist of far more happiness and joy. The world is a place filled with people who suffer more then they need to- and I just feel like if I try just a little harder, try a new tact, find them another option that I can break through their walls and help them through their issues.
Make them happy. They all deserve to be stupendously, amazingly happy.
So why is it I am egotistical enough to think that I can deliver them onto happiness?
I wind up being mommy, or a caretaker to just about everyone in my life. I have a compulsion to fix people I love- irregardless if they have asked me for help or if I should keep my fucking nose out of their business.
I've had relationships end because I interfered where I was not wanted, and I've had them end because I could not cope with my own failure when the broken things did not get fixed.
I thought I had successfully overcome this compulsion some years back. I was delusional.
Today I had someone point out that I was being insufferably rude for continuing to push their emotional buttons, and I also had to watch several people I love fall apart a little at the seams while I refrained from demanding they tell me all about it so I could make it all go away for them.
Fact is, I can't fix the world.
And that hurts.
So much sadness, so much self destruction, so much waste of a life that should consist of far more happiness and joy. The world is a place filled with people who suffer more then they need to- and I just feel like if I try just a little harder, try a new tact, find them another option that I can break through their walls and help them through their issues.
Make them happy. They all deserve to be stupendously, amazingly happy.
So why is it I am egotistical enough to think that I can deliver them onto happiness?
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