Anger management 101

Having lived away from home for some 15 years now, I had actually forgotten how my birth family well and truely suck ass.

My relationship with my father has always been a stormy one...I love him fiercely in some ways...but I will never understand the man. We are too different to ever find true common ground other then the accident of blood.

He decided, somehow, in that foggy depths of space between his ears, that a reconcilliation with my stepbrother, my tormentor and abuser through much of my childhood, was in order. A ~surprise~ reconcilliation, at that.

This after years of dad pretending the abuse did not occur, ignoring all mention of it till last week then shocking me with a sudden heart to heart about it, in which i came away shaken, and somewhat relieved to have been able to finally tell him my thoughts on it all. I shared with him how much it fucked with me, mentally, and how long tit took me to oversome the fucked up ideas it left with me regarding sex. Somehow, out of that talk, dad decided that it was time to toss us into a room togteher.

I have not seen the stepbrother for 13 years. With good reason. And on the last occasion, we parted when i threatened to remove a vital part of his anatomy upon next meeting.

Despite all this, we managed, somehow to struggle through a tense yet argument-free meal. After which my father asked me to drive the stepbrother to a store. I was silly enough to agree, despite being scared. Actually, it is probably ~because~ i was scared that i agreed. I am all about overcoming things.

The ride there was silent. The ride back was not. The fucktard actually opened his mouth and made one of the crudest comments he could have mustered to me.

Now, anyone who has seen me truely angry knows to run.

As i said, hes a fucktard. He stayed put. I think, in some really screwy way, he was secure and assured that i would wilt and cower.

A moment later found the car being slammed into park in the middle of the streeet, me rounding the car on foot and physically dragging him from the vehicle. He called me a crazy bitch and tried to cimb back in. There was a brief scuffle, and i won, as he found himself on hands and knees eating a facefull of dirt. He stood up, turned around, and faced me.

Then I broke his nose.

That was unexpected.

I drove off and left him, with traffic stopped several cars deep in each direction, him holding his face and screaming obscenites at me, and my car splattered in his blood.

Back at my fathers, i stormed in, informing him that i was only there to pack and leave, and did so. Crashed with a cousin for the night. Immediately upon arriving at hers, i went to the toilet and proceeded to puke my guts out. When there was nothing left in me and the worst of the shakes were gone, so i was able to stand again, we got stupid drunk and washed down the car with buckets of soapy water.

My father arrived, explained he had driven off to pick up the stepbrother and deposited him at a friends house, in an attempt to convince me to return to his for the night after profuse apologizing - not for throwing us into a ring together...but apologized for asking me to give hima ride!

I refused, and he left. I went back to his for breakfast the next morning before spitting town. WE talked, but he was still uinable to see that i will NEVER be able to "get on" with him. I am, frankly, blown away that my dad would think this possible in any way.

And i am also reminded of how very alone we are in this world.

I remain, several days later, mixed about everything. I am, admitedly, proud, and smug about standing up to him. I am also feeling guilty, that, yet again, my responce was violence. I have a pattern of being backed into a corner and to come out swinging. Surely there are more productive ways of dealing with problems then maiming other people? I'm tired of being on the definsive, yet glad that i don't wither in the face of threat.

If someone else told me they had physically assulted someone who abused them as a child, i know i would stand and cheer. I have zero sympathy for the abuser in all this. And time does not cover all.

For the record, the abuse eventually ended when i turned on him physically then as well. But there was still something far more empowering about smacking him a good one while an adult, and with a definte measure of free will. As a child, i was merely fighting back. This time, i ~could~ have walked away, unharmed, but chose instead to not let it slide.

But i still wonder if i would have been better off turning and walking away when my father proudly announced we were both there to make nicey nicey.

RULES
 - Italicize what you've seen part of.
- Bold what you've seen all the way through.
- Underline what you own.
- Add three of your own.

01. Trainspotting
02. Shrek
03. M
04. Dogma
05. Strictly Ballroom
06. The Princess Bride
07. Love Actually
08. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
09. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
10. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
11. Reservoir Dogs
12. Desperado
13. Swordfish
14. Kill Bill Vol. 1
15. Donnie Darko
16. Spirited Away
17. Better Than Sex
18. Sleepy Hollow
19. Pirates of the Caribbean
20. The Eye
21. Requiem for a Dream
22. Dawn of the Dead
23. The Pillow Book
24. The Italian Job
25. Goonies
26. BASEketball
27. Spiceworld
28. Army of Darkness
29. The Color Purple
30. The Saftey of Objects
31. Can't Hardly Wait
32. Mystic Pizza
33. Finding Nemo
34. Monsters Inc.
35. Circle of Friends
36. Mary Poppins
37. The Bourne Identity
38. Forrest Gump
39. A Clockwork Orange
40. Kindergarten Cop
41. On The Line
42. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
43. Final Destination
44. Sorority Boys
45. Urban Legend
46. Cheaper by the Dozen
47. Fierce Creatures
48. Dude, Where's My Car
49. Ladyhawke
50. Ghostbusters
51. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
52. Back to the Future
53. An Affair To Remember
54. Somewhere In Time
55. North By Northwest
56. Moulin Rouge
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Zoolander
60. A Walk to Remember
61. Chicago
62. Vanilla Sky
63. The Sweetest Thing
64. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead
65. The Nightmare Before Christmas
66. Chasing Amy
67. Edward Scissorhands
68. Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert
69. Muriel's Wedding
70. Croupier
71. Blade Runner
72. Cruel Intentions
73. Ocean's Eleven
74. Magnolia
75. Fight Club
76. Beauty and The Beast
77. Much Ado About Nothing
 78. Dirty Dancing
 79. Gladiator
 80. Ever After
81. Braveheart
82. What Lies Beneath
 83. Regarding Henry
84. The Dark Crystal
85. Star Wars
86. The Birds
87. Beaches
88. Cujo
89. Maid In Manhattan
90. Labyrinth
91. Thoroughly Modern Millie
 92. His Girl Friday
93. Chocolat
94. Independence Day
95. Singing in the Rain
96. Big Fish
97. The Thomas Crown Affair
 98. The Matrix
 99. Stargate
100. A Hard Day's Night
101. About A Boy
102. Jurassic Park
103. Life of Brian
104. Dune
105. Event Horizon
106. Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
107. Dead Fire
108. The Neverending Story
109. Resident Evil
110. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
111. Pure Country
112. The Evil Dead
113. The Stand
114. Head
115. Shoujo Kakumei Utena: ADOLESCENCE Mokushiroku
116. The Ghost Goes Gear
117. Perfect Blue
118. Bring It On
119. Cowboy Bebop: Knockin' on Heaven's Door
120. The Boondock Saints
121. Alien
122. Howard the Duck
123. Star Trek: The Voyage home
124. Vampire Hunter
125. Soylent Green
126. The Craft
127. The Philadelphia Story
128. LA Confidential
129. Eating Raoul
130. Donovan's Reef
131. The Last of the Blonde Bombshells
132. Princess Mononoke
133. Disney's Mulan
134. The Ring
135. The Crow
136. A Beautiful Mind
137. This Is Spinal Tap
138. Amelie
139. Ten Things I Hate About You
140. Fried Green Tomatoes
141. Goodbye Lenin
142. Grease
143. Mallrats
144. My Fair Lady
145. Pulp Fiction
146. Master & Commander: The Far Side of The World
147. American Beauty
148. Monster
149. The Breakfast Club
150. Stuart Little
151. The Sting
152. The Lion King
153. The Virgin Suicides
154. Pretty In Pink
155. Rocky Horror Picture Show
156. The Shawshank Redemption
157. Night At the Roxbury
158. Gangs of New York
159. Schindlers List
160. Philadelphia
161. The Tommyknockers
162. American Wedding
163. Meet The Parents
164. Serial Mom
165. Run Lola Run
166. Porky's
167. Mulholland Drive
168. Talk To Her
169. All About My Mother
170. Bridget Jones's Diary
171. 9 to 5
172. Heathers
173.Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
174. Willow
175. Hackers
176 Citizen Kane
177 Memento
178 Better then Chocolate

Salmonfest 2004

Centennial feild, Grand Falls, Newfoundland. I'm penning this sprawled on a  blanket, in a tangle of limbs  and much giggling. I have the dubious honour of being  chaperone to my 16 year old neice and her 4 friends, who all wanted to made the trip into the summer event of the province, and all-day concert, but whose parents  decreed an adult must be present before they would give permission.  Somehow, i met with parental approval as a passable adult, and also,  am cool enough to be acceptable by the kids as well. Go, me.  Foolish parents.
 
The normally hour long drive took 2.5 hours, due to high traffic for the event, slowed further by summer road construction. On the plus side, there was no opportunity to speed, therefore negating the chance of a repeat speeding ticket ( my second ticket being aquired the day previous. And, since it was my second in 6 months, i lose a shedload of license points and face a massively heartbreakingly hefty finacial fee to boot). It also meant a most amusing game of car leapfrog with a carload of cute 20 something boys, which delighted the girls to no end, as they spend the time passing me with windows rolled down trying to attract my attention/aquire a name and phone number/ generally show off as boys are wont to do. "Oh my god, Danny, your aunt is soooo cool...they are flirting! And she's flirting back!". (Jump ahead a little ; got  more bonus cool factor points  midafternoon, when it turns out I knew one of the featured musicians, found him after his set and draged him back to our blanket to meet the girls and sign autographs.)
 
The boys followed us to a coffeeshop and found me again at the concert (no easy feat, as the feild normally has upwards of 15,000 bodies), and are now milling about on a couple of blankets nearby, taking turns at making trips into the beer tent, coming back louder each time. Thye are being cool though,  and playing nicey with the girls, who are thrilled by the  attention from older guys. They've spent much of the day trying to convince me to join them at an after concert party at a nearby campground, and have even gone so far as to arrange alternate transport for the girls back to town so i can stay.
 
In the end, they settled  for a promise of a after concert trip to McDonalds, combined with details of my dancing plans at a local bar next weekend. All in all, i had far more fun playing chaperone then i thought i would.

Sleepover

From paper journal, Wensday, July 14th.
_____________________________________
 
What a strange evening. Addrienne and I stopped at my father's overnight, enroute to St. Johns. Always a lesson in patience, time spent with my dad...and always a lesson I fail to absorb, it seems.  Arrived at 6pm, bored out of our skulls by 8 pm.  The non-stop lecturing (that crossed dangerously close into all-out insult) did not help any either. Apparently, this Australia trip "tops all my other insane decisions to date". This includes (amongst other older infractions too far gone in memory to relive here);  my marriage, my girlfriend, my tattoo's/piercings/brandings, and my intersts in BDSM. Funny thing is, I know i have made far worse decisions in my past, and none of the aforementioned things qualify as mistakes.
 
After not-so-poitely telling him to cram his unasked-for opinions up his holy ass, I proceeded to ignore him till he gave in.  Though this rudeness on my part kicked in only after several hours of smiling and nodding or trying to joke him into a lighter mood, i still wound up kicking myself in the ass for it later.  It bothers me that time spent with my dad reduces me to a screaming  child, and i lose all ability to talk as a rational adult, and instead, go on the defensive and throw a hissyfit.
 
Not wanting to risk more nastiness later, i made the decision to hide behind the guise of wanting to be silly and relive my youth by borrowing a tent from my Aunt's place and camping out in the backyard. Dad good naturedly put the anger aside and helped addrienne and i set it up, and gave us a flashlight to ward off the boogeyman. (As an aside, I always thought the name "boogeyman" a silly term for something that is supposed to be scarey; I remember wanting to encounter this creature when i was small cause boogie also means snot which is funny and not at all scarey, but in addition, it means dancing, and i therefore surmrised that he'd be a pretty fun dude).
 
Made a trip to the liquor store for wine, and got asked for ID.  It is amusing to me that I am nearly 31 and still, had to go back to the car and have my girlfriend, several years my junior, go and buy me alcohol. It just adds to the whole juvinille theme i have going lately. I wonder if i am having my mid life crisis now?
 
Grabbed a few minutes alone with dad, and wound up having THE most raw, painfully emotional open and bluntly honest conversations i have ever had. I'll be processing this one for many months to come.
 
After dark, Addrienne and I decided that a walk into the old swimming hole upriver was in order. The normally 4 minute walk up the trail took about a half hour. The flashlight guided walk in the beyond-pitch-black moonless night meant much stoppage so we could squeal and dance about and nearly piss ourselves in fright in every tiny sound or flicker in the reputably bear-inhabited woods. Once we found the spot (not an easy feat when its dark, and I'd not been there in more then a decade), we sat silently for 20 min or so, making absolutely certain we were alone before stripping off and jumping in. If there WERE bears? They were surely frightened off by the screams and howls from the shock of the cold water.
 
Eventually made our way back home (running throught the forest clutching each other, pellmell on hyperdrive, arriving out the other end in about a minute thirty, dried down, nd decided to top off the night by removing the weather fly from the tent, and lying inside looking up throught the mesh top at the star filled sky.  In true naughty teenager fashion, we rounded outt he experience by drinking crappy assed bottles of fruity cheap wine....straight from the bottles. Several hours of mad giggling and numerous trips back into the skeery woods for pee breaks and we finally passed out just before dawn.
 
Packed up tent and left in morning before dad returned home to lunch, leaving a note to say I would drop in later in the week.
 
Interesting though, that my father, the married minister who is several times over a grandfather might have issues with such things as my choice in sexual partners, but he has no problem whatsoever with hitting repeatedly on my girlfriend.
 
I don't know if i will ever recover.

Fog + Fever = Zen

A strange calmness has decended, and I'm not exactly sure what to make of it. I feel ballanced, centered, once more. For the first time in over a year, i feel utterly at peace with everything.

I've spent a few days alone in my thoughts now, time to regroup and reshuffle, organize the mess that was in my head. Long walks, views of the ocean that i have missed so much. Fog. My god, how much i love the fog. Spending a few days at Pats, which has meant quiet, and "me" time.I've been reading and sleeping at random moments through the day as the whim takes me, and it's all help restore a sense of internal harmony.

Was sick for a few days, and running a fever, which explains the random sleeping patterns. Also led to some fucky dreams and fevered over-thinking, which resulted in a remarkable moment of clarity at one point, wherein suddenly all my second guessing., self doubting and panic just lifted...i could sense it just melting away. And its not returned. All he anxiousness i was feeling about my recent decisions, about the upcoming trip, and about where i go from here...gone.

A consious decision to stop fussing and worying about what MIGHT be, and to instad just let whatever will be happen, naturally. I've been wracking my brain, trying to imagine every ppossible outcome as though my life were a chose-your-own adventure story, and becoming increasingly frustrated with my inability to jump ahead and read the last page. And suddenly i remembered how reading the last page first always spoiles large aspects of the story. It is the unknown, the unpredicted...the twists that make the story worth telling.

It's a thing more people should do, really...just let go and trust that whatever the outcome, it wil be the right one of it's own virtue.

Reflection

Doctor’s appointment downtown meant an early rise for me today. Walking the waterfront when alone is so intensely peaceful. Foghorn blaring periodically to cut the silence. Water like glass, without even a tiny ripple. Fog hovering about 30 feet in the air, enough to give me a view of the masts of a fishing boat off in the distance.

Being here always makes me smile, and gives me a general sense of the fuzzies.

I also, despite being with my boys, people I care about so intensely, feel acutely lonely lately. In part due to so many changes in my life; the redefining of relationships with people I have been cleft to for so long. It's not a new thing. For a few years now I have felt alone, even when surrounded by loved ones. It's like there is a barrier of glass; I know its there, but I can't find it.

If I could I'd take a bloody pickaxe out and pulverize the fucking thing.

Part of me is coming to realize that the walls of glass are likely things of my own design. And that the thing I yearn for does not exist. That intangible connection so deep that it is impossible in practice. Something I conjured up in the haze of a dream and steadfastly refused to let die with morning light. Unrequitable perfection.

Entirely unfair, if I dwell on that thought. Can't help but to wonder how many times I have been holding up that dream in an unfair comparison, a measure by which to rate all others. The setting of an absurd standard.

What if this is all there is? It is a thought that has plagued me near constantly for some time now. My inner demon battles the happiness to be found in front of my face; brandishing the sword of futile longing as though gratification might actually be possible.

I've felt this lonely once before. Al through my childhood I lived certain in the knowledge that I was utterly alone, when one really examined it. No one understood, then, all that I was, either. People may, indeed, love the Me They Know. But I have never genuinely shared with another being all of me. The risk in that is far too great.

I am beginning to understand that it is not only unfair, but in fact, it is entirely unrealistic of me to hope for a person who meshes with all of me. I've been so close to perfect happiness so many times, and manage to always find some flaw; something lacking. I’ve teased myself before with the hope of something that, in the end, proves evasive.

And the dilemma remains; do I lower the bar of exalted standards, and accept that the completeness I seek is a fantasy? Or do I swallow the self imposed isolation, resign myself to its familiar ache and step ahead, searching for the unobtainable?

A bond, so complete, that remains, as always, just out of reach. I was once told " you will never stop asking "what's the point?", but, someday, you will stop expecting an answer". It's not yet 'someday'. I dearly want an answer.