I've spent half the morning crying, giving myself panda eyes from eye makeup, and generally just being emo- all because of a well-timed email from one of my closest friends on the planet. "Friends" does not even suffice, really. I hope each and every one of you knows what I mean by this. It is my sincere wish that you all knows what it means to have acquaintances, friends, and then there are those select few confidantes that are something more then mere friend. Spiritually connected , maybe. They are the people in your life, that no matter what, know when you need them and manage to somehow reach out at the right time.
Geoff's letter started with him saying he simply HAD to write me, was driven to do so, but what not sure why.
I know why. I needed a connection to something real. I open my email, and there it was.
We live on opposite sides of the planet. We've not seen each other since 2007. But reading his email resulted in an experience much richer then words on a screen. I could hear his voice saying the words, sometimes choking up a little, sometimes with an edge of laughter. And better then that, I could smell him. Right there with me.
Bugger. Now I've gone all emo again.
If you have not guessed it, I've been having a rough few weeks.There's nothing in particular wrong. I just feel overwhelmed by Sean's depression. Guilty if I am happy, but unable to do anything to help him out of his funk.I grow more and more convinced with the passing months that anti depressants were not the answer, and in fact, I question whether he was missdiagnosed from the start and does not have depression at all. He's also been diagnosed with Anxiety and ADHD. Both of which I agree with. But the combination of a strong antidepressant, vallium and now ritalin is doing him no favours. 2 years on antidepressants with no noticeable change- except increasing anxiety attacks and chest pains severe enough to have twice landed him in emergency as we thought he was having a heart attack.
And so, this has been my life. It's only the last couple of days that I have recognized why that is getting to me so much- I'm living his life for him, doing things he needs doe to make him function- I'm not doing anything for me anymore.
I'm just feeling disconnected from life- like things are on hold till he gets better. But they have been that way for a while.
I need to start living for me again. I need to do things just for me, and I need to reconnect with my friends, my family- everything I have is a life shared with Sean.
So it is serendipitous to have words from a better-then-friend in my inbox. To remind me where I come from, what I am, and what I miss. I miss home, I miss the boys. But mostly I miss me.
Think it is time to find me again. And then, when I do, I'm going to go beat the boy with my newly- reclaimed happiness stick till it fixes what ails him.
