Nasty, salacious and depraved. I am a dirty, dirty girl

Money. It drives most societies. The production, attainment and spending of, that is. And money is really such a vulgar item. The deceit and depravity. The greed that fuels the machine. It's also so very lewd. And not in a good way.

That's not to say I am innocent. I am a good capatilist little whore, in some ways. While i have not, historically, been bothered to all-out pursue and accumulate stockpiles of cash, I will readily admmit to loving the spending part of the outfit. I am a marketer's dream, sometimes, and unfortunately, having placed little value on money, it means I will cheerfully dole out any that i might have. Shiny shiny! It's blue and sparkles? Must have!

At 30, I'm begining to wonder if perhaps my standing might need an overhaul. I began working at age 15...not counting the babysitting stint thats near manditory for teens. But you know what? I would not be able to make even a ball park guess as to how much money I have earned in that time. Honestly, I'ver not even a general guess. I don't have savings. I don't own property, and none of my possessions have intrinsic worth. I did for a time own mutual funds; but that was sheerly because of a lump sum payment that i simply had no clue how to deal with, and so followed the advice of a good friend, who is a banker, and invested it. Withdrew it all a year later to vacation on. And thoroughly enjoyed the process of getting rid of it.

And see, therein lies the problem. While I don't feel any particular drive to accumulate wealth, i do indeed enjoy shedding it. I take great pleasure in the exchange of money for goods and service. Be that a shiny new toy for me or anything that would light up the face of a loved one. I mean, when I have it, i figure its there to be enjoyed...by me, and anyone around me. Isn't that what material wealth is for? No? Damn.

The result of this love for liquidation is a distinct lack of assets, combined with a whopping student loan that sits unpaid. My eventual return to Canada will of course, put an end to the period of arrears, as well it should, and I have no problem with that. I will likely take as much pleasure in sorting myself out and making payments anyhow...it's still spending, right?

I've never really examined my relationship with money until a few years ago, when my life began to change in ways where finacial independance was a major concern. I've been content to drift along unplanned before then. Grew up well below the poverty line, but i never particularly cared about such things. I've always been content with just getting by. All part of my hippy mentality i guess. The things i hold close to me and place value on are not things tied into commerce. Most things i enjoy and take pleasure in do not require an expendeture of a churlish piece of paper as a means of aqquisition. Such a tranfer would cheapen the transaction in a profound manner.

The subtle shift began happening when i began travelling alot more, in an effort to escape my living situation. Sudenly i became more acutely aware of how a lack of money can be very limiting. And I feel rather foolish for having gone three decades without having absorbed that lesson. And for not realizing sooner how the world does not operate on a level that is compatible to my admitedly naieve and limited view of all things fiscal.

Such a vile notion; that something as crass as money can tie into one's ability to enjoy life. While I have accepted that I need to adjust my perception and adapt, shift my focus towards playing the game of a monied establishment, it also seems distastefully seedy to me somehow.

Such a sordid and sullied little game. And yet, one so overwelmingly and inricately tied up in so much else about life as to make it inescapable within most societies. I'm nore sure how it escaped my attention so long, really. I don't think myself a stupid person; so how did i get along this long without actively playing the game? And this far in, I'm not quite sure where to put my feet in all the muck around me. I know I need to. And I do like challanges. But I doubt if I will ever come to think of money and wealth as anything but tacky, really.

Given that the things i enjoy, seek out and find vastly satisfying makes most people shudder with revulsion and distase, I do see the amusement value apparent in the fact that I find money such a morally reprehensible concept.

But it is one I am struggling to gain a measure of comprehension of. I'll let you know how it goes.