I'm off to see the wizzard.

So the big decision is made.

Recent application to the UK Home Office for a working holidaymaker visa was rejected. No chance of appeal, but also no predjudice; free to apply for other visa's if my circumstances change. Right now, I'm not eligable for anything else.

Which left me facing the decision to return to Canada or apply for similar entry into Australia. Both options meant I would wind up disapointing people i care about.

As much as i love home, and as much as i miss the people there, the landscape and the amazing feeling of peace I get while there, I don't miss the economy, and the distinct lack of opportunities available to someone with my background in newfoundland. I'm also not ready tpo go back and deal with family friends and what will no doubt be a long series of repeated grillings on my so called "failed" marrieage. I don't think it failed. Just ended. To imply failure would suggest it was a mistake.

So the decision was made to attempt entry into Australia; goal being get my ass in the same location os the evil sadistic dude and see if the connection felt online holds true. And if it does not? Confident there is at least a solid friendship there, and time spend in the southern hemisphere is definetely appealing. And the visa was granted the same day. I'm free to enter australia, and work at any time. For a period of one year from date of entry. So, w00t. kinda.

For the first time in my adult life i am free to make decisions and pick up and move somewhere for entirely selfish reasons.

So why am a wracked with guilt? how do I make people believe in what I know is true? That i know through experience that when i leave a place, the relationships forged and established there do not dissapear? That the ones I love back home in canada remain as much a part of an influence in my life now, three years after I left home as they did when they lived with me and saw me everyday?

How do i convince people that love is not a finite measure, and does not require taking from one to give another?

How to make them trust in the fact that once i have forged a friendship, i hold on fiercely and don't let go?

They have no choice but to accept that they are not that easilly rid of me. To plagerize a line from the charactar Smith's dialogue; I am a virus. a disease, a cancer a plague.I am infectious, and geographical distance is not a cure.


More of my friends need to be clairvoyant; they need to be able to peer into my head and see the absolute certainty that lies there. The unshakable knowledge that certain relationships are born of a bond so profound they can't be broken.

And herein lies the real kicker; no matter what, i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't. Had my decision been different, had i made decisions to keep those i care about happy? Ultimately, they would wind up unhappy anyhow. Because they are such incredible people, and because our connection is such that it is, they would always know that they influenced my choices, and would always, therefore, feel guilty that i chose for them instead of me.

Inevitably, if they are to be unhappy no matter which path i chose, I would rather chose the path that leaves them dissapointed in or angry at me. Far preferable to them feeling guilty to have swayed my choices. I have no problem shouldering blame. Strong like ox, nikki. Will carry much weight. Two camels and a goat to the person in the back. (i know...sometimes i should resist the urge to interject humor. It's a problem of mine. I have the NEED to make people smile. It's important to me).

Other people's guilt, I simply cannot abide by. They are worth far too much to me to be able to watch them suffer feelings of guilt over me. But my guilt? *shrugs*. It's familiar. It s something i know i have the ability to withstand. Often, its something i seek out. Taking possession of guilt, making myself responsible gives me a measure of control. And if i have control, then it follows that i have the power to fix it.

Sometimes, people get hurt by the actions of others. And the words "I'm sorry" are wholely inadequate at times. But I trust in my friends to know the full scope and depth of emotion is tied in when i say the words "I'm sorry". And I am.

Please don't let my ruby slippers make you sad. Remember how much I care.