The point of diminishing returns often sneaks up on us, unawares. We plod on, extending more and more effort, invest time, money and emotions into a situation; or a person, and wake up one day to find that our effort is going out at an exponential rate, but the returns have dwindled to the point that the balance is completely off.
To give is a wonderful thing; but no person should be expected to give everything. There needs to be a replenishment of self, of happiness.
It’s so easy to get caught in the spiral; to extend just a little bit more with each crisis, to roll up your sleeves and chuck in something extra when the situation warrants. But some situations; some relationships go constantly down the drain and a very slow and steady rate.
It is incredibly hard to recognize this phenomenon when it is happening. And it is very easy to shrug off the words of others, well meaning in intentions when they tell you the ship has sunk and you are just doing a dog paddle to stay afloat. Titanic was unsinkable, remember?
“Don't always follow the bright lights, sometimes they ain't as shiny as they might seem. P”
She (P) is honestly the most astute and logical person I know when it comes to summing up the situation of another person, and spitting things out the other end in a blunt, but entirely correct fashion. She leaves no room for interpretation, no room for argument or rebuttal. Because she is right. Absolutely.
And yet, somehow, when it comes to herself, she buys into the romance of it all everytime. She chases that shiny light like nothing else exists.
“Sometimes relationships end because they are done. Most things don't last forever. They last only as long as necessary, to teach us something- or to bring us something we needed...even if, at times, we aren't aware there is something lacking. Me”
For a much-needed time, it brought her happiness. And she deserves happiness. Problem is, the happiness it offered is limited in scope. It’s constrained by othering things, other people, and theres nothing she can do to conquor those things. They are unmoveable rocks, the fioundations on what makes him him.
She has trouble living in the here and now of a relationship. Love is like that; it sweeps you up in the headiness of it all, and logic no longer has a place. You can’t run a relationship when focusing on what might be, what could be…what you want it to be. The only way to maintain balance in a relationship is to appreciate it for what it is this day, right now.
Is it enough? Can you go on, knowing that this is what it is? Don’t account for all the “what if’s”…focus right now on what IS?
To constantly expect things to live up to the unreal expectations that you set for it, based on the ideal thing you wish it was, you set yourself up for failure. And every time something goes wrong, it is easy to overlook the simple fact that what went wrong never actually was in the first place. It is an alternate thing, a reality removed from the one smacking you in the face. It’s not an always and forever, white picket fence sort of deal. It can’t ever be that.
There will always be external forces beyond your control. There will always be kids demanding time, there will always be work, there will always be a life outside of the rose-tinted romance.
I watched my own personal Titanic go down while sitting in P’s bathtub some years ago, snotting and bawling while she talked me through it. I grasped at every possibility, every external factor, every variable I could imagine. Anything, just to make it work like I so desperately wanted. But nothing I could have offered would have been enough to keep it aloat.
When you strip it down to the bare essentials, P, is it enough? Forget the dreams of him coming home to a clean house, a cooked meal, and a naughty smile. Is it enough to be forever living for those few precious moments snatched between other concerns?
Because this is the way it is. And it is the only way you can count on it ever being.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Aging; the good, the bad, the ugly.
The Good;
-I’m a better judge of character, because I just learned to listen to that inner voice that tells me something is wrong.
-Sex is better. Seriously. In my teens and twenty’s, I just went along with whatever my partner wanted, out of fear of being thought of as a slut. With age comes the ability to effectively communicate, and the recognition of what things you really like, and what things just don’t cut it, as well as not really caring if they think you are a slut, just so long as everyone’s happy.
-People take me (more) seriously. No more of that automatic dismissal based on age and a perceived lack of wisdom. I don’t always feel such a need to prove my own worth.
-Life is simpler, on purpose. Drama-laden friendships that were the norm when I was younger started to take a toll on me, so I purged them from my life.
The Bad;
-Without glucosamine supplements, my knees creak when I use the stairs.
-Unless club nights are chemically enhanced, by 2-3 am, I want to go home to bed. I miss watching the sunrise while still sweaty from a dance floor.
-I still get asked for I.D. I could have put this under “good”, except that sometimes I will forget to bring the damned ID.
-Constant fucking questions about when I am going to have kids. I don’t stop you on the street and ask when you plan your next shit, so why the fuck is it ok for you to ask something as intimate as when I plan to procreate?
-I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. And at my age, selfishness is no longer an indulgence that is acceptable to most. People have an odd desire to talk to me about things like retirement savings and investments, when I am still delighted that someone pays me to do next to nothing, thereby funding my weekends. I suspect they also wish I would grow up and stop with the pink/purple hair and the piercings, too.
The Ugly;
-Why the fuck do I have a single chin hair that erupts in the same damned spot over and over again?
-I’m a better judge of character, because I just learned to listen to that inner voice that tells me something is wrong.
-Sex is better. Seriously. In my teens and twenty’s, I just went along with whatever my partner wanted, out of fear of being thought of as a slut. With age comes the ability to effectively communicate, and the recognition of what things you really like, and what things just don’t cut it, as well as not really caring if they think you are a slut, just so long as everyone’s happy.
-People take me (more) seriously. No more of that automatic dismissal based on age and a perceived lack of wisdom. I don’t always feel such a need to prove my own worth.
-Life is simpler, on purpose. Drama-laden friendships that were the norm when I was younger started to take a toll on me, so I purged them from my life.
The Bad;
-Without glucosamine supplements, my knees creak when I use the stairs.
-Unless club nights are chemically enhanced, by 2-3 am, I want to go home to bed. I miss watching the sunrise while still sweaty from a dance floor.
-I still get asked for I.D. I could have put this under “good”, except that sometimes I will forget to bring the damned ID.
-Constant fucking questions about when I am going to have kids. I don’t stop you on the street and ask when you plan your next shit, so why the fuck is it ok for you to ask something as intimate as when I plan to procreate?
-I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. And at my age, selfishness is no longer an indulgence that is acceptable to most. People have an odd desire to talk to me about things like retirement savings and investments, when I am still delighted that someone pays me to do next to nothing, thereby funding my weekends. I suspect they also wish I would grow up and stop with the pink/purple hair and the piercings, too.
The Ugly;
-Why the fuck do I have a single chin hair that erupts in the same damned spot over and over again?
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Stupid Nikki tricks.
I've given myself a papercut. By accident.
On my nipple.
A big one, right across the very centre.
It hurts as though a thousand pint-sized sadists are on there jabbing it with hot pokers.
My nipple is deformed. It's flapping open; looks similar to when I had a piercing reject and was too stubborn to give in and remove it; eventually it ripped out when it caught on something.
Oh yeah, that "something" was one of those evil olive picker-style wire gripper clamps.
Why do I hate my nipples so? They've never brought me harm...quite the opposite in fact. They have done nothing but love me.
So why is it, in my clutziness, that I try to kill them?
On my nipple.
A big one, right across the very centre.
It hurts as though a thousand pint-sized sadists are on there jabbing it with hot pokers.
My nipple is deformed. It's flapping open; looks similar to when I had a piercing reject and was too stubborn to give in and remove it; eventually it ripped out when it caught on something.
Oh yeah, that "something" was one of those evil olive picker-style wire gripper clamps.
Why do I hate my nipples so? They've never brought me harm...quite the opposite in fact. They have done nothing but love me.
So why is it, in my clutziness, that I try to kill them?
Monday, September 04, 2006
Where is ~MY~ slave, goddamnit?
I'm at that breaking point again; where the pressure of being so many things to so many people is building up and every little task seems like a monumental mountain.
You know what I mean; full time employee. Cleaner. Cook. Buyer of presents. Laundress. Chauffeur. Proofreader. Researcher. Personal assistant. Doer of homework. Trip planner extraordinaire (don't even get me started on the bloody trip planning). Ebay seller. Fucking car mechanic. Vet. Sex kiten. Bill payer. Shopper.
The never ending, constantly increasing demands for my time, my energy, my very fucking lifeforce.
I want someone to step in and start doing things for me. I want an entire week wherein I can pass on every task, big and small, to someone else. One week where I never have to hear the sentence "could you please......" or "Where is my..." or "have you..."
Do it your goddamned self...are your legs broken? I don't know where it is, keep track of your own possessions, and no, I bloody well have NOT. It's hardly an appropriate, expected, dignified, fair, or even called for response. But holy fucking hell, have I ever THOUGHT of such things.
I feel as though I am expected to know the answer to every question, there whereabouts of every item, the perfect solution to every problem....and to do it all with a grateful smile. The pressure is overwhelming me. I'm drowning, and I seem to have missplaced my snorkel.
I'm a strong person. I have huge shoulders, and am used to lots being carried thereon. I even enjoy being relied on. I like feeling usefull. It gives me purpose, and great satisfaction. I like feeling needed.
But good god, there are times when it all seems so huge. Like even one more tiny request is going to result in my screaming or falling into a crying heap.
I want help, but I am a perfectionist bitch for whom anyone else's effort would not be enough, and I would wind up redoing it anyhow.
I'm losing the ballance, and I need to bring everything back into perspective, but I don't know how to make it right. I feel overextended in every direction, and yet, I know I can't quit (anything) or it will go undone...and in all likelyhood require more effort to fix further down the track as payment for neglect.
Anyone have a slave they can lend me for a few weeks?
You know what I mean; full time employee. Cleaner. Cook. Buyer of presents. Laundress. Chauffeur. Proofreader. Researcher. Personal assistant. Doer of homework. Trip planner extraordinaire (don't even get me started on the bloody trip planning). Ebay seller. Fucking car mechanic. Vet. Sex kiten. Bill payer. Shopper.
The never ending, constantly increasing demands for my time, my energy, my very fucking lifeforce.
I want someone to step in and start doing things for me. I want an entire week wherein I can pass on every task, big and small, to someone else. One week where I never have to hear the sentence "could you please......" or "Where is my..." or "have you..."
Do it your goddamned self...are your legs broken? I don't know where it is, keep track of your own possessions, and no, I bloody well have NOT. It's hardly an appropriate, expected, dignified, fair, or even called for response. But holy fucking hell, have I ever THOUGHT of such things.
I feel as though I am expected to know the answer to every question, there whereabouts of every item, the perfect solution to every problem....and to do it all with a grateful smile. The pressure is overwhelming me. I'm drowning, and I seem to have missplaced my snorkel.
I'm a strong person. I have huge shoulders, and am used to lots being carried thereon. I even enjoy being relied on. I like feeling usefull. It gives me purpose, and great satisfaction. I like feeling needed.
But good god, there are times when it all seems so huge. Like even one more tiny request is going to result in my screaming or falling into a crying heap.
I want help, but I am a perfectionist bitch for whom anyone else's effort would not be enough, and I would wind up redoing it anyhow.
I'm losing the ballance, and I need to bring everything back into perspective, but I don't know how to make it right. I feel overextended in every direction, and yet, I know I can't quit (anything) or it will go undone...and in all likelyhood require more effort to fix further down the track as payment for neglect.
Anyone have a slave they can lend me for a few weeks?
Friday, September 01, 2006
X-Mas Travel Plans
The Boi and I have a rather hectic, Visit-the-Friends-and-Family trip planned for the holdays this year.
It will be the first time he meets my dad, and the first time he sees snow. Other then a small trip to the middle of Ohio a few years back, it will also be the first time he's left Australia.
We're making brief stops, therefore, in a bunch of places, to try to give him a quick overview of as much as possible, with longer stops for my beloveds in Newfoundland and in London.
Rough itinerary to follow below; anyone enroute who wants to meet up for a quick coffee and chat feel free to weigh in.
While I'm a seasoned traveller, with lots planned for the adgenda already, feel free to weigh in with your favourite memories/ plans/ warnings/ reccomendations/ horror stories for any of the planned stops.
__________________________________________________________________
Sun, Dec 3: AIR NEW ZEALANd
From: BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA (BNE)
Departs: 11:40am
Departure Terminal: INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL
To: AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND (AKL)
Arrives: 5:40pm Arrival Terminal: INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL
-----------------------------------------
Sun, Dec 3: AIR NEW ZEALAND,
From: AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND (AKL)
Departs: 7:30pm Departure Terminal: INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL
To: LOS ANGELES, CA (LAX)
Arrives: 10:25am
Arrival Terminal: TERMINAL 2
*note; in process of changing this leg, as we would be comfortable with more time to claim luggage, clear customs and transfer to next leg.*
-----------------------------------------
Sun, Dec 3: UNITED AIRLINES,
From: LOS ANGELES, CA (LAX)
Departs: 1:00pm Departure Terminal: TERMINAL 7
To: NEW YORK JFK, NY (JFK)
Arrives: 9:10pm
Arrival Terminal: TERMINAL 7
-----------------------------------------
Note; two nights with a friend in NYC, then one night in NJ (in order to make the morning flight out without having to arrange transport in the wee hours of the morning)
-----------------------------------------
Wed, Dec 6: AIR CANADA,
From: NEWARK, NJ
Departs: 9:25am
Departure Terminal: TERMINAL A
To: TORONTO ON, CANADA (YYZ)
Arrives: 11:00am
Arrival Terminal: TERMINAL 2
------------------------------------------
Two nights in Toronto with my brotherTwo nights in Kingston with Geoffie.Two nights in Ottawa with my ex. One night in Montreal (Hotel somewhere downtown; have not booked yet)
All the above on land (train)
------------------------------------------
Wed, Dec 13: AIR CANADA
From; Montreal, QUE
To; St. John's, NF
------------------------------------------
Two nights in St. Johns with friends.14 nights in Central NF with family. 4 nights in St Johns with friends
-----------------------------------------
Tue, Jan 2: AIR CANADA
From: ST JOHNS NF, CANADA (YYT)
Departs: 8:40pm
To: HALIFAX NS, CANADA (YHZ)
----------------------------------------
Tue, Jan 2-Wed, Jan 3: AIR CANADA,
From: HALIFAX NS, CANADA (YHZ)
Departs: 10:55pmTue, Jan 2
To: LONDON HEATHROW, UNITED KINGDOM (LHR)
Arrives: 8:30amWed, Jan 3
Arrival Terminal: TERMINAL 3
---------------------------------------
5 nights in London (housesitting a freinds vacant apartment because she is loffly and generous and we luffs her) 1 night in Kracow (hotel not yet booked; planning visit to Auschwitz/Birkenau) 5 nights london (again, housesitting)
---------------------------------------
Sun, Jan 14-Mon, Jan 15: THAI AIRWAYS INTL LTD,
From: LONDON HEATHROW, UNITED KINGDOM (LHR)
Departs: 11:50amSun, Jan 14
Departure Terminal: TERMINAL 3
To: BANGKOK, THAILAND (BKK)
---------------------------------------
2 nights Bangkok(Hotel unbooked)
---------------------------------------
Tue, Jan 16-Wed, Jan 17: THAI AIRWAYS INTL LTD,
From: BANGKOK, THAILAND (BKK)
Departs: 11:40pmTue, Jan 16
Departure Terminal: TERMINAL 1
To: BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA (BNE)
Arrives: 11:45amWed, Jan 17
Arrival Terminal: INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL
It will be the first time he meets my dad, and the first time he sees snow. Other then a small trip to the middle of Ohio a few years back, it will also be the first time he's left Australia.
We're making brief stops, therefore, in a bunch of places, to try to give him a quick overview of as much as possible, with longer stops for my beloveds in Newfoundland and in London.
Rough itinerary to follow below; anyone enroute who wants to meet up for a quick coffee and chat feel free to weigh in.
While I'm a seasoned traveller, with lots planned for the adgenda already, feel free to weigh in with your favourite memories/ plans/ warnings/ reccomendations/ horror stories for any of the planned stops.
__________________________________________________________________
Sun, Dec 3: AIR NEW ZEALANd
From: BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA (BNE)
Departs: 11:40am
Departure Terminal: INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL
To: AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND (AKL)
Arrives: 5:40pm Arrival Terminal: INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL
-----------------------------------------
Sun, Dec 3: AIR NEW ZEALAND,
From: AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND (AKL)
Departs: 7:30pm Departure Terminal: INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL
To: LOS ANGELES, CA (LAX)
Arrives: 10:25am
Arrival Terminal: TERMINAL 2
*note; in process of changing this leg, as we would be comfortable with more time to claim luggage, clear customs and transfer to next leg.*
-----------------------------------------
Sun, Dec 3: UNITED AIRLINES,
From: LOS ANGELES, CA (LAX)
Departs: 1:00pm Departure Terminal: TERMINAL 7
To: NEW YORK JFK, NY (JFK)
Arrives: 9:10pm
Arrival Terminal: TERMINAL 7
-----------------------------------------
Note; two nights with a friend in NYC, then one night in NJ (in order to make the morning flight out without having to arrange transport in the wee hours of the morning)
-----------------------------------------
Wed, Dec 6: AIR CANADA,
From: NEWARK, NJ
Departs: 9:25am
Departure Terminal: TERMINAL A
To: TORONTO ON, CANADA (YYZ)
Arrives: 11:00am
Arrival Terminal: TERMINAL 2
------------------------------------------
Two nights in Toronto with my brotherTwo nights in Kingston with Geoffie.Two nights in Ottawa with my ex. One night in Montreal (Hotel somewhere downtown; have not booked yet)
All the above on land (train)
------------------------------------------
Wed, Dec 13: AIR CANADA
From; Montreal, QUE
To; St. John's, NF
------------------------------------------
Two nights in St. Johns with friends.14 nights in Central NF with family. 4 nights in St Johns with friends
-----------------------------------------
Tue, Jan 2: AIR CANADA
From: ST JOHNS NF, CANADA (YYT)
Departs: 8:40pm
To: HALIFAX NS, CANADA (YHZ)
----------------------------------------
Tue, Jan 2-Wed, Jan 3: AIR CANADA,
From: HALIFAX NS, CANADA (YHZ)
Departs: 10:55pmTue, Jan 2
To: LONDON HEATHROW, UNITED KINGDOM (LHR)
Arrives: 8:30amWed, Jan 3
Arrival Terminal: TERMINAL 3
---------------------------------------
5 nights in London (housesitting a freinds vacant apartment because she is loffly and generous and we luffs her) 1 night in Kracow (hotel not yet booked; planning visit to Auschwitz/Birkenau) 5 nights london (again, housesitting)
---------------------------------------
Sun, Jan 14-Mon, Jan 15: THAI AIRWAYS INTL LTD,
From: LONDON HEATHROW, UNITED KINGDOM (LHR)
Departs: 11:50amSun, Jan 14
Departure Terminal: TERMINAL 3
To: BANGKOK, THAILAND (BKK)
---------------------------------------
2 nights Bangkok(Hotel unbooked)
---------------------------------------
Tue, Jan 16-Wed, Jan 17: THAI AIRWAYS INTL LTD,
From: BANGKOK, THAILAND (BKK)
Departs: 11:40pmTue, Jan 16
Departure Terminal: TERMINAL 1
To: BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA (BNE)
Arrives: 11:45amWed, Jan 17
Arrival Terminal: INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL
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