A strange calmness has decended, and I'm not exactly sure what to make of it. I feel ballanced, centered, once more. For the first time in over a year, i feel utterly at peace with everything.
I've spent a few days alone in my thoughts now, time to regroup and reshuffle, organize the mess that was in my head. Long walks, views of the ocean that i have missed so much. Fog. My god, how much i love the fog. Spending a few days at Pats, which has meant quiet, and "me" time.I've been reading and sleeping at random moments through the day as the whim takes me, and it's all help restore a sense of internal harmony.
Was sick for a few days, and running a fever, which explains the random sleeping patterns. Also led to some fucky dreams and fevered over-thinking, which resulted in a remarkable moment of clarity at one point, wherein suddenly all my second guessing., self doubting and panic just lifted...i could sense it just melting away. And its not returned. All he anxiousness i was feeling about my recent decisions, about the upcoming trip, and about where i go from here...gone.
A consious decision to stop fussing and worying about what MIGHT be, and to instad just let whatever will be happen, naturally. I've been wracking my brain, trying to imagine every ppossible outcome as though my life were a chose-your-own adventure story, and becoming increasingly frustrated with my inability to jump ahead and read the last page. And suddenly i remembered how reading the last page first always spoiles large aspects of the story. It is the unknown, the unpredicted...the twists that make the story worth telling.
It's a thing more people should do, really...just let go and trust that whatever the outcome, it wil be the right one of it's own virtue.
1 comment:
Glad you're feeling more balanced. It takes time for thoughts to settle down, and you've had a few too many decisions, life changes and trips to deal with of late. Take a chill pill and enjoy the ride for a wee while. P xxx
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