A cute wee Asian lady just totally made me her bitch- and you know what? I kinda liked it!
I went to have my nails done, but got a little more of a smack- down then I have bargained for.
Her; "I do your nails before, yes?"
Me; "Yes, several times."
Her; (while making clicking noises with her tongue to indicate disapproval) "You no take care of them!"
Me; (looking at my right hand, missing three tips, with two nails bitten till fingers had bled at some point in past few days) "No, you are right, I have not- I bite them- but that's why I keep acrylics on!"
Her; (raps my knuckles with her nail file) "You are very bad- very naughty girl! You should be spanked, yes? No more biting!"
Me; (Meekly) "Yes, Ma'am!"
(I gave her a tip for the sheer chutzpa!)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A year in review.
The Year of the Tiger 2010 (ending on Feb 2nd, 2011) is a Yang Metal year, and it's a year of much activity, drama, changefulness, crisis, and unpredictability. Tiger years are associated with political and social instability or upheaval. Metal is not a very compatible element for Tiger (Tiger prefers Wood and Fire), and thus 2010 is expected to be challenging and turbulent overall.
(from; http://www.cafeastrology.com/articles/chinese_2010_horoscope_year_of_tiger.html)
I don't pay attention to horoscopes and the like- but holy hell, was the Chinese "year of the Tiger" true to form or what?
it was a year of immense change for me. For the first time ever, I willingly and actively cut ties to several friendships- those that know me will know how rare it is for me to walk away form someone once they are in my inner circle. I protect friendships fiercely. But I've grown to accept that friendship like everything else in life, must find a happy balance to be sustainable. I've used up so much of myself in my own relationship these past few years there was little left to go around, and so I culled those who were costing me more emotion then I could afford- those that cost me to much with little benefit in return. I'm taking back my right to chose who I expend energy saving.
We moved, several times, culling a small mountain of possessions each time- finally we have de-cluttered to a livable amount, and it feels bloody fantastic.
I began a relationship with an utterly remarkable woman. Possible only because I exercised true patience for the first time in my adult life.
I had my first major accident in 22 years of driving. Totally wrote off the car. Hit a guard rail going 100 Kms an hour and walked away with nothing more then bruising, a sore face/jaw and a hand full of broken bloody fingernails. Considering the guard rail was all that was between us and a drop off, and the speed we were traveling, our luck was considerable.
I realized that I have compromised in my second marriage all that I can. Poly has always been a tricky thing for me, and there are some boundaries I just cannot erase. Complete unrestricted access to other sexual partners is farther then my mind can stretch. I'm not sorry I tried it- again- I learned enough along the way to know that- once again- I need to follow my gut instinct the first time round. And so, my second husband and I have separated. I was not ready for it. It hurts like buggery, but we're striving hard to remain friends. We will see how that pans out with a little time.
A year of great loss.
A year of great change.
Absolutely everything in my life is different then it was one year ago. Some changes I saw coming, some sucker punched me when I was not paying attention. All are devastating in their own way.
And so the end of the year sees me suddenly having to shift my focus in ways I never imagined.
With great changes come great opportunity. I'm not sure I understand all the reasons for the ending of my relationships yet- But I am confident that I did all I could. Gave all I could give. I walk away with my sense of ethics intact.
I spent much of the year feeling unloved, un- appreciated, under estimate, unattractive. So it's time to say a big "screw you" to the Year of the Tiger.
I'm ready to see what the next year holds.
I'm ready to great it with a Rebel Yell.
I want to know what's down the rabbit hole.
From; http://www.chiff.com/a/chinese-horoscopes.htm
General predictions for the Year of the Rabbit
The year of the Rabbit is traditionally associated with home and family, artistic pursuits, diplomacy, and keeping the peace. Therefore, 2011 is very likely to be a relatively calmer one than 2010 both on the world scene, as well as on a personal level.
(from; http://www.cafeastrology.com/articles/chinese_2010_horoscope_year_of_tiger.html)
I don't pay attention to horoscopes and the like- but holy hell, was the Chinese "year of the Tiger" true to form or what?
it was a year of immense change for me. For the first time ever, I willingly and actively cut ties to several friendships- those that know me will know how rare it is for me to walk away form someone once they are in my inner circle. I protect friendships fiercely. But I've grown to accept that friendship like everything else in life, must find a happy balance to be sustainable. I've used up so much of myself in my own relationship these past few years there was little left to go around, and so I culled those who were costing me more emotion then I could afford- those that cost me to much with little benefit in return. I'm taking back my right to chose who I expend energy saving.
We moved, several times, culling a small mountain of possessions each time- finally we have de-cluttered to a livable amount, and it feels bloody fantastic.
I began a relationship with an utterly remarkable woman. Possible only because I exercised true patience for the first time in my adult life.
I had my first major accident in 22 years of driving. Totally wrote off the car. Hit a guard rail going 100 Kms an hour and walked away with nothing more then bruising, a sore face/jaw and a hand full of broken bloody fingernails. Considering the guard rail was all that was between us and a drop off, and the speed we were traveling, our luck was considerable.
I realized that I have compromised in my second marriage all that I can. Poly has always been a tricky thing for me, and there are some boundaries I just cannot erase. Complete unrestricted access to other sexual partners is farther then my mind can stretch. I'm not sorry I tried it- again- I learned enough along the way to know that- once again- I need to follow my gut instinct the first time round. And so, my second husband and I have separated. I was not ready for it. It hurts like buggery, but we're striving hard to remain friends. We will see how that pans out with a little time.
A year of great loss.
A year of great change.
Absolutely everything in my life is different then it was one year ago. Some changes I saw coming, some sucker punched me when I was not paying attention. All are devastating in their own way.
And so the end of the year sees me suddenly having to shift my focus in ways I never imagined.
With great changes come great opportunity. I'm not sure I understand all the reasons for the ending of my relationships yet- But I am confident that I did all I could. Gave all I could give. I walk away with my sense of ethics intact.
I spent much of the year feeling unloved, un- appreciated, under estimate, unattractive. So it's time to say a big "screw you" to the Year of the Tiger.
I'm ready to see what the next year holds.
I'm ready to great it with a Rebel Yell.
I want to know what's down the rabbit hole.
From; http://www.chiff.com/a/chinese-horoscopes.htm
General predictions for the Year of the Rabbit
The year of the Rabbit is traditionally associated with home and family, artistic pursuits, diplomacy, and keeping the peace. Therefore, 2011 is very likely to be a relatively calmer one than 2010 both on the world scene, as well as on a personal level.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Fair and ethical treatment.
Was reading Paula's entry on Cyclone Yasi this morning, and felt compelled to have my say.
I was surprised and impressed at how often local coverage of the recent floods here compared the local stats to the devastation in Haiti, and in Bali after wild weather in those places in past year or two- and even in the midst of local suffering, there was a tendency to compare those events to illustrate how, in relation, we've been affected so much less then others. It was pointed out time and again the impact of other poorer nations was not properly covered or understood.
The cyclone that hit last night and will continue through much of today is still 11 hours north of me- but, like the recent flooding in my area- the ongoing effects will be tremendous. There are thousands of people already homeless here in South- east Qld- and by tomorrow there will be thousands more homes rendered unlivable. The crop devastation will push prices skyward for basic food staples- some of which will be imported from elsewhere- and some of which will simply not be available. Increasing prices for basic everyday staples will put more pressure on people who have already suffered devastating losses.
But do you know what really gets my goat? Palm Island, off the coast near Mission Beach, which was "ground zero" in relation to Cyclone Yasi coming ashore- is populated by a large aboriginal group. Other islands in the region were evacuated. Palm Island was not.
State government personnel, teachers, hospital workers and the police, they were advised to leave earlier in the week. Some left, some stayed.
Four evacuation centers were announced- but only one of them was above the level of expected sea rise during the storm- and that one was not capable of holding all 3500 residents.
Other area has Army and Emergency Services going door to door urging people to leave, and telling them what services were available to assist them leaving the islands and where they would be able to take refuge on the mainland. Not on Palm Island.
Many of these residents do not read newspapers, and do not have TV's. The next few days will reveal what happened in the complete absence of fair and just treatment.
I was surprised and impressed at how often local coverage of the recent floods here compared the local stats to the devastation in Haiti, and in Bali after wild weather in those places in past year or two- and even in the midst of local suffering, there was a tendency to compare those events to illustrate how, in relation, we've been affected so much less then others. It was pointed out time and again the impact of other poorer nations was not properly covered or understood.
The cyclone that hit last night and will continue through much of today is still 11 hours north of me- but, like the recent flooding in my area- the ongoing effects will be tremendous. There are thousands of people already homeless here in South- east Qld- and by tomorrow there will be thousands more homes rendered unlivable. The crop devastation will push prices skyward for basic food staples- some of which will be imported from elsewhere- and some of which will simply not be available. Increasing prices for basic everyday staples will put more pressure on people who have already suffered devastating losses.
But do you know what really gets my goat? Palm Island, off the coast near Mission Beach, which was "ground zero" in relation to Cyclone Yasi coming ashore- is populated by a large aboriginal group. Other islands in the region were evacuated. Palm Island was not.
State government personnel, teachers, hospital workers and the police, they were advised to leave earlier in the week. Some left, some stayed.
Four evacuation centers were announced- but only one of them was above the level of expected sea rise during the storm- and that one was not capable of holding all 3500 residents.
Other area has Army and Emergency Services going door to door urging people to leave, and telling them what services were available to assist them leaving the islands and where they would be able to take refuge on the mainland. Not on Palm Island.
Many of these residents do not read newspapers, and do not have TV's. The next few days will reveal what happened in the complete absence of fair and just treatment.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Pillow Talk, Volume one
So when either of us (or both of us) are sleepy, we have the most bucket- worthy conversations you can imagine. One or the other of us will out with some spew-worthy gem the likes of which would turn your stomach with the cute-ness. Last night was Tom_Kitten's turn.
Future installments to come!
Me; "you have the cutest dimples!"
Her; (Indignantly) " I do not have dimples. I have dents."
Me; "Well, my extreme apologies- you have the worlds cutest "dents"."
Her; "I got the dents when all the happiness ran into me"
Future installments to come!
Me; "you have the cutest dimples!"
Her; (Indignantly) " I do not have dimples. I have dents."
Me; "Well, my extreme apologies- you have the worlds cutest "dents"."
Her; "I got the dents when all the happiness ran into me"
Thursday, January 27, 2011
And so I chose to live my life by the sea and sand...
But more wonderful than the lore of old men and the lore of books is the secret lore of ocean.
H. P. Lovecraft
Am back home from a couple of days spent down the coast. My girlfriend Tom and I disappeared to give my recently ex husband the house and some privacy, as he had his new girlthing over for the first overnight stay. She was still here when we got home, and was apparently quite nervous about meeting me- can't imagine why!
But- any excuse to get me to the ocean, so we took off in the new shitebox (I totaled my car in late November/early December, in the same week that Sean and I split- the two events were totally unrelated!)- its a '96 Magna that I bought for less then two grand- but it seems to be serving it's purpose well for now. I plan to accentuate it in grand fashion thusly;
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/COOL-SET-4-CAR-FLOORMATS-ZEBRA-PURPLE-GOODQUALITY-_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem35a2c6da32QQitemZ230364207666QQptZMotorsQ5fCarQ5fTruckQ5fPartsQ5fAccessories
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/FRONT-CAR-SEAT-COVERS-REAR-ZEBRA-PURPLE-HIGHQUALITY-_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem35aef1e017QQitemZ230568353815QQptZMotorsQ5fCarQ5fTruckQ5fPartsQ5fAccessories
Awoke on Australia day morning to the sound of Tom's alarm going off at 4:15 am- because she had forgotten once again to turn off her work alarm on her day off. So I decided since I was now awake, so could she be. Spent the world's most perfect morning, sitting with our toes buried in the sand, snuggling with a coffee while watching the sun rise in the sky on a perfect Gold Coast morning. The perfection of the moment impacted so heavily with us that we made a big, possibly life-changing decision on the spot; When we get ourselves sorted out to move, we're leaving Brisbane and moving down the coast.
We are currently in a lease with my now ex until October. It might be possible to move before then in a break lease situation if new tenants can be found. But we've booked a holiday in Sydney for Mardi Gras in March, so the general plan is to do that and then start saving for a bond and for the moving costs after the Sydney trip. Once we can swing it financially, we will approach the current rental agents about finding someone new to take over. There are plenty of vacancies on the coast- it's a bit of a renters market at the moment- and with a good history/references, and the cash to move with finding the new place should be easy enough.
I'm stupendously excited.
Just as the wave cannot exist for itself, but is ever a part of the heaving surface of the ocean, so must I never live my life for itself, but always in the experience which is going on around me.
Albert Schweitzer
H. P. Lovecraft
Am back home from a couple of days spent down the coast. My girlfriend Tom and I disappeared to give my recently ex husband the house and some privacy, as he had his new girlthing over for the first overnight stay. She was still here when we got home, and was apparently quite nervous about meeting me- can't imagine why!
But- any excuse to get me to the ocean, so we took off in the new shitebox (I totaled my car in late November/early December, in the same week that Sean and I split- the two events were totally unrelated!)- its a '96 Magna that I bought for less then two grand- but it seems to be serving it's purpose well for now. I plan to accentuate it in grand fashion thusly;
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/COOL-SET-4-CAR-FLOORMATS-ZEBRA-PURPLE-GOODQUALITY-_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem35a2c6da32QQitemZ230364207666QQptZMotorsQ5fCarQ5fTruckQ5fPartsQ5fAccessories
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/FRONT-CAR-SEAT-COVERS-REAR-ZEBRA-PURPLE-HIGHQUALITY-_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem35aef1e017QQitemZ230568353815QQptZMotorsQ5fCarQ5fTruckQ5fPartsQ5fAccessories
Awoke on Australia day morning to the sound of Tom's alarm going off at 4:15 am- because she had forgotten once again to turn off her work alarm on her day off. So I decided since I was now awake, so could she be. Spent the world's most perfect morning, sitting with our toes buried in the sand, snuggling with a coffee while watching the sun rise in the sky on a perfect Gold Coast morning. The perfection of the moment impacted so heavily with us that we made a big, possibly life-changing decision on the spot; When we get ourselves sorted out to move, we're leaving Brisbane and moving down the coast.
We are currently in a lease with my now ex until October. It might be possible to move before then in a break lease situation if new tenants can be found. But we've booked a holiday in Sydney for Mardi Gras in March, so the general plan is to do that and then start saving for a bond and for the moving costs after the Sydney trip. Once we can swing it financially, we will approach the current rental agents about finding someone new to take over. There are plenty of vacancies on the coast- it's a bit of a renters market at the moment- and with a good history/references, and the cash to move with finding the new place should be easy enough.
I'm stupendously excited.
Just as the wave cannot exist for itself, but is ever a part of the heaving surface of the ocean, so must I never live my life for itself, but always in the experience which is going on around me.
Albert Schweitzer
To compromise or not to compromise? That is the question!
What's your deepest, darkest fear? Have you tried to overcome it?
For as long as I can remember, it has always been the same;
That I am not enough.
And I have tried getting around it- always attempting to be better, but have recently re-acquainted myself with the fact that if I change, it has to be for personal growth and at my own incentive.
Forcing myself to change because others wish me to be different is a temporary fix to a bigger problem. Compromise has to come from both ends of the stick if you are to meet in the middle. If only one person is adjusting their outlook, that is not compromise;
it is surrender.
I'm taking back my white flag. Maybe I'll tye- dye it!
For as long as I can remember, it has always been the same;
That I am not enough.
And I have tried getting around it- always attempting to be better, but have recently re-acquainted myself with the fact that if I change, it has to be for personal growth and at my own incentive.
Forcing myself to change because others wish me to be different is a temporary fix to a bigger problem. Compromise has to come from both ends of the stick if you are to meet in the middle. If only one person is adjusting their outlook, that is not compromise;
it is surrender.
I'm taking back my white flag. Maybe I'll tye- dye it!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Change the clocks, please!
Queensland does not ~do~ daylight savings. They have had several referendums on the matter, and it is rejected each time, with the overwhelming issues seemingly to do with the fact that people cannot grasp that to change the clocks is not to ADD an hour of daylight, but to adjust when it occurs.
Reasons to reject daylight savings include; kids will get more sunburns, quiet evenings at home will be ruined by people running lawnmowers at night, kids won't go to bed early enough if it is light outside, people won't wake properly if it is dark outside, people will have more accidents because they are tired. There is a joke running around that other reasons included cows will be confused about when to milk and curtains will fade quicker with more sun exposure, but these reasons at least seem to be myths.
But seriously- it is well light bow shortly after 4 am as summer begins here. But it is dark at about 6:30 pm. WTF? My body clock is adjusting an I'm waking far too early to be reasonable.
On the other hand, being awake at that hour has led to me appreciating the spectacular birdlife in my area. In my backyard this morning was a Major Mitchell Cockatoo;
A couple of bellbirds, with the most amazing calls;
And of course, the ever-present but still delightful Kookaburras;
There are some benefits to being alert at this hour- but by 9 pm tonight I'll be yawning and desperate for bed.
Maybe I'm just getting old?
Reasons to reject daylight savings include; kids will get more sunburns, quiet evenings at home will be ruined by people running lawnmowers at night, kids won't go to bed early enough if it is light outside, people won't wake properly if it is dark outside, people will have more accidents because they are tired. There is a joke running around that other reasons included cows will be confused about when to milk and curtains will fade quicker with more sun exposure, but these reasons at least seem to be myths.
But seriously- it is well light bow shortly after 4 am as summer begins here. But it is dark at about 6:30 pm. WTF? My body clock is adjusting an I'm waking far too early to be reasonable.
On the other hand, being awake at that hour has led to me appreciating the spectacular birdlife in my area. In my backyard this morning was a Major Mitchell Cockatoo;
A couple of bellbirds, with the most amazing calls;
And of course, the ever-present but still delightful Kookaburras;
There are some benefits to being alert at this hour- but by 9 pm tonight I'll be yawning and desperate for bed.
Maybe I'm just getting old?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Wanderlust
I love this track. Sean sent it to me when he and I were still an online promise of things to come, and I fell in love with the melancholic beauty of it's lyrics. It captures so much of what I feel as someone who has traveled so much, lived in so many cities, left so many friends behind.
A few weeks ago, I was missing my grandmother's jam. A couple of days ago I got an invite to my friend's upcoming birthday party home in Newfoundland. Last night, I had a chat with Paula.
All things combined, today I'm restless. I miss my people. I want to bring my husband, my girlfriend on a trip around the world and show them all my favourite places, favourite spaces, favourite faces.
Life is tremendously good right now.I feel blessed, lucky, peaceful and content with my lot in life. Summer is just rolling in, my coursework is nearly done, our social life is, if anything a little TOO full at the moment. I'm surrounded by happiness and love.
So why is it that I have the overwhelming urge to leave it all and go somewhere?
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Birthday Reflections
I turn 37 this week.
In his 37th year, Michelangelo finally finished painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
In his 37th year, Charles Dickens penned David Copperfield.
I don't know what I will do with my 37th year. But I know I've had a hell of a blast getting this far.
I've been in love.
I've been married. I've been Divorced.
I've been married again, knowing the first was not a mistake. It was what it was.
I've been an alpha and a beta in a poly relationship. I'm still learning about that.
I still fall in love easily, despite being picky about who I let into my life.
I've lived in 5 different countries. 10 Cities. Dozens of homes.
I've danced the night away.
I've a working knowledge of 5 languages. I can only speak one.
I've two university degrees.I no longer work in either field.
I've blown soap bubbles in the Vatican.
I've excavated a 4000 year old arrowhead. And the dogtags of a WWII soldier.
I've ridden the rails coast to coast in Canada. And driven the same route.
I am one degree form Kevin Bacon.
I've spend weeks meandering through New England on a road trip with no destination.
I've visited Stephen King's house. And "Dracula's" castle.
I've snorkeled on the great barrier reef.
I've worked as a telemarketer.
I've visited all the tourist traps of London. And of Rome.
I've thrown snowballs on a Glacier.
I've been in Love.
I've touched a whale in the ocean.
I've dived with Seals. And I've been on safari.
I've stood on the CN Tower,The Empire State,the London eye.And I'm afraid of heights.
I've been homeless.
I've been blessed with friends close enough to become my family.
I've fired a gun.
I've watched a child be born. And I've held a loved one as they died.
I've been arrested and held overnight.
I've made a fan belt out of pantyhose. But I've never put air in a tire.
I've been to Stonehenge at solstice.
I've been an extra in a movie.
I've stood on the easternmost point of North America. And the northernmost of Europe.
I've been to Patpong.
I've been fired. And I've quit without notice.
I've hiked the Fjords of Scandinavia. And looked 1 km, straight down a cliff-face.
I've kayaked the ocean at midnight, during 24 hour sun.
I've appeared on-stage. And forgot my line on opening night.
I've rescued a bat. And a baby seagull. Both were successfully released.
I've had 11 different species of pets. 13 if you count people :)
I've broken bones doing something foolish.
I've been in love.
What a wonderful life!
In his 37th year, Michelangelo finally finished painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
In his 37th year, Charles Dickens penned David Copperfield.
I don't know what I will do with my 37th year. But I know I've had a hell of a blast getting this far.
I've been in love.
I've been married. I've been Divorced.
I've been married again, knowing the first was not a mistake. It was what it was.
I've been an alpha and a beta in a poly relationship. I'm still learning about that.
I still fall in love easily, despite being picky about who I let into my life.
I've lived in 5 different countries. 10 Cities. Dozens of homes.
I've danced the night away.
I've a working knowledge of 5 languages. I can only speak one.
I've two university degrees.I no longer work in either field.
I've blown soap bubbles in the Vatican.
I've excavated a 4000 year old arrowhead. And the dogtags of a WWII soldier.
I've ridden the rails coast to coast in Canada. And driven the same route.
I am one degree form Kevin Bacon.
I've spend weeks meandering through New England on a road trip with no destination.
I've visited Stephen King's house. And "Dracula's" castle.
I've snorkeled on the great barrier reef.
I've worked as a telemarketer.
I've visited all the tourist traps of London. And of Rome.
I've thrown snowballs on a Glacier.
I've been in Love.
I've touched a whale in the ocean.
I've dived with Seals. And I've been on safari.
I've stood on the CN Tower,The Empire State,the London eye.And I'm afraid of heights.
I've been homeless.
I've been blessed with friends close enough to become my family.
I've fired a gun.
I've watched a child be born. And I've held a loved one as they died.
I've been arrested and held overnight.
I've made a fan belt out of pantyhose. But I've never put air in a tire.
I've been to Stonehenge at solstice.
I've been an extra in a movie.
I've stood on the easternmost point of North America. And the northernmost of Europe.
I've been to Patpong.
I've been fired. And I've quit without notice.
I've hiked the Fjords of Scandinavia. And looked 1 km, straight down a cliff-face.
I've kayaked the ocean at midnight, during 24 hour sun.
I've appeared on-stage. And forgot my line on opening night.
I've rescued a bat. And a baby seagull. Both were successfully released.
I've had 11 different species of pets. 13 if you count people :)
I've broken bones doing something foolish.
I've been in love.
What a wonderful life!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Compulsions
Everyone's got em. Whether you are on of those people who simply has to straighten up a painting that squish on a wall, have to fold your towels a certain way, must point out incorrect spelling, have to load your dishwasher a specific way. Do you put your socks on first or last?
I wind up being mommy, or a caretaker to just about everyone in my life. I have a compulsion to fix people I love- irregardless if they have asked me for help or if I should keep my fucking nose out of their business.
I've had relationships end because I interfered where I was not wanted, and I've had them end because I could not cope with my own failure when the broken things did not get fixed.
I thought I had successfully overcome this compulsion some years back. I was delusional.
Today I had someone point out that I was being insufferably rude for continuing to push their emotional buttons, and I also had to watch several people I love fall apart a little at the seams while I refrained from demanding they tell me all about it so I could make it all go away for them.
Fact is, I can't fix the world.
And that hurts.
So much sadness, so much self destruction, so much waste of a life that should consist of far more happiness and joy. The world is a place filled with people who suffer more then they need to- and I just feel like if I try just a little harder, try a new tact, find them another option that I can break through their walls and help them through their issues.
Make them happy. They all deserve to be stupendously, amazingly happy.
So why is it I am egotistical enough to think that I can deliver them onto happiness?
I wind up being mommy, or a caretaker to just about everyone in my life. I have a compulsion to fix people I love- irregardless if they have asked me for help or if I should keep my fucking nose out of their business.
I've had relationships end because I interfered where I was not wanted, and I've had them end because I could not cope with my own failure when the broken things did not get fixed.
I thought I had successfully overcome this compulsion some years back. I was delusional.
Today I had someone point out that I was being insufferably rude for continuing to push their emotional buttons, and I also had to watch several people I love fall apart a little at the seams while I refrained from demanding they tell me all about it so I could make it all go away for them.
Fact is, I can't fix the world.
And that hurts.
So much sadness, so much self destruction, so much waste of a life that should consist of far more happiness and joy. The world is a place filled with people who suffer more then they need to- and I just feel like if I try just a little harder, try a new tact, find them another option that I can break through their walls and help them through their issues.
Make them happy. They all deserve to be stupendously, amazingly happy.
So why is it I am egotistical enough to think that I can deliver them onto happiness?
Thursday, April 08, 2010
A moment in time...
Traveling down the motorway, hemmed in on both sides by concrete barriers due to construction, rush hour traffic just beginning- when we spot a tiny little foxie-cross dog, three lanes out, hugging the barrier, trotting up the highway to no where.
We take the first exit and circle back- the whole time I'm panicked, wondering how to safely get out of the car, and get the dog's attention without frightening him into the lanes of traffic. I almost don't want to go back- I'm sure I'm either going to find a dead dog- or worse yet, be the cause of one. But I just can't leave it to the unknown, either. I have to try.
We get back on the motorway, eyes peeled for the dog or signs of erratic traffic or an accident. But all traffic is simply stopped. It's quite eerie- just a huge narrow parking lot of bumper to bumper cars. We roll up to the column of still traffic, and can see people about 50 cars ahead, up a hill, out of their card and running about- it's obvious they are trying to catch the dog. Then a man 6 cars ahead jumps out and runs back towards us. Ahead of him is the little foxie mutt- hightailing it faster then I'd ever believed possible from such stumpy little legs. About a dozen cars behind me, it crossed the now stopped multiple lanes of traffic and shoots though a tiny gap between two concrete barrier sections- off through a grass field in a blur of legs and fur.
Hundreds of cars, even more people at a standstill during their busy afternoon, each sharing a moment of compassion, trying to save the life of an unknown dog.
And they say cats have 9 lives.
We take the first exit and circle back- the whole time I'm panicked, wondering how to safely get out of the car, and get the dog's attention without frightening him into the lanes of traffic. I almost don't want to go back- I'm sure I'm either going to find a dead dog- or worse yet, be the cause of one. But I just can't leave it to the unknown, either. I have to try.
We get back on the motorway, eyes peeled for the dog or signs of erratic traffic or an accident. But all traffic is simply stopped. It's quite eerie- just a huge narrow parking lot of bumper to bumper cars. We roll up to the column of still traffic, and can see people about 50 cars ahead, up a hill, out of their card and running about- it's obvious they are trying to catch the dog. Then a man 6 cars ahead jumps out and runs back towards us. Ahead of him is the little foxie mutt- hightailing it faster then I'd ever believed possible from such stumpy little legs. About a dozen cars behind me, it crossed the now stopped multiple lanes of traffic and shoots though a tiny gap between two concrete barrier sections- off through a grass field in a blur of legs and fur.
Hundreds of cars, even more people at a standstill during their busy afternoon, each sharing a moment of compassion, trying to save the life of an unknown dog.
And they say cats have 9 lives.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Just a quick update
We'll be moving again. The job here in Toowoomba has dried up, and as Sean's contract states he cannot do other IT work in this small town- and we have no desire to stay here- we just came for the job anyhow, we'll be off again.
I've given notice to the agency that we need to break out lease- they have been super nice about it, but they can afford to be- as we need to keep paying rent till there are new tenants! Have arranged to collect a load of moving boxes from a friend tomorrow, leave our growing collection of potted plants at hers, and store the rest of our belongings in a storage unit not this coming weekend but next so we can get the heck outta dodge. There is simply too much to do before then to get it done any faster.
We've been back and forth to Brissy and the Gold coast every few days as Sean's had a rash of interviews already- but they have been with recruiters so there was no immediate sense of how long it will be before he picks up something. But one of the recruiters from monday gone has not fronted up and forwarded his name for 5 jobs- 2 of which has offered him an interview already. One today and another on monday coming.
So we need to get the house packed and stored away and get our arses down to the city where he can be more immediately available without the hassle of the constant driving back and forth. And somewhere in the next week I'll need to drive the dogs a few hours into the outback where they will be staying with a friend till we have a new place sorted out.
I'd like a clone right about now, thanks!
I've given notice to the agency that we need to break out lease- they have been super nice about it, but they can afford to be- as we need to keep paying rent till there are new tenants! Have arranged to collect a load of moving boxes from a friend tomorrow, leave our growing collection of potted plants at hers, and store the rest of our belongings in a storage unit not this coming weekend but next so we can get the heck outta dodge. There is simply too much to do before then to get it done any faster.
We've been back and forth to Brissy and the Gold coast every few days as Sean's had a rash of interviews already- but they have been with recruiters so there was no immediate sense of how long it will be before he picks up something. But one of the recruiters from monday gone has not fronted up and forwarded his name for 5 jobs- 2 of which has offered him an interview already. One today and another on monday coming.
So we need to get the house packed and stored away and get our arses down to the city where he can be more immediately available without the hassle of the constant driving back and forth. And somewhere in the next week I'll need to drive the dogs a few hours into the outback where they will be staying with a friend till we have a new place sorted out.
I'd like a clone right about now, thanks!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Waiting games
The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you get one more yard
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part
(Lyrics "Waiting Game", Tom Petty)
It's almost 4 in the afternoon. I've been waiting since 8:3- this morning to see if the boy is about to be made redundant and leave us with three months on a lease in a house we do not want and no steady income.
We'd planned to move to the coast in May anyhow, but doing it sooner means we have no safety net in place yet, so we would need to make arrangements to exit a lease early, find money for the penalty for that and the deposit on a new one right away- or put everything in storage, board the animals out with friends, and crash with friends/mother in law/cheapie motel until we sort things out.
All of this is do-able, and really is not panicking me at all.
But fuck, do I hate waiting for the shoe to drop.
6 pm edit; They have told him he will have to wait until Friday for a formal decision, but told him to use the rest of the week making alternate plans for work.
Every day you get one more yard
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part
(Lyrics "Waiting Game", Tom Petty)
It's almost 4 in the afternoon. I've been waiting since 8:3- this morning to see if the boy is about to be made redundant and leave us with three months on a lease in a house we do not want and no steady income.
We'd planned to move to the coast in May anyhow, but doing it sooner means we have no safety net in place yet, so we would need to make arrangements to exit a lease early, find money for the penalty for that and the deposit on a new one right away- or put everything in storage, board the animals out with friends, and crash with friends/mother in law/cheapie motel until we sort things out.
All of this is do-able, and really is not panicking me at all.
But fuck, do I hate waiting for the shoe to drop.
6 pm edit; They have told him he will have to wait until Friday for a formal decision, but told him to use the rest of the week making alternate plans for work.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sneaking the boy's ritalin in the morning=kitchen bitch?
A quick pop into the shops yesterday for cat food saw me loading up the car boot with a box chick full of mixed vegetables going cheap but needing quick cooking.
And so by noon today as I write this, I've managed to cook the following;
-a large container of eggplant and tomato based cannelloni sauce,
-tonight's Sloppy Joe mix,
-the slow cooker is full to the lid with a hearty beef, pork and vegetable spaghetti sauce for the freezer,
-also, a rare treat for the doggies- a hodge podge of leftover vegetable bits, a mountain of chayote(Aussies call them Chokos) and chicken stock.
-Prawn dumpling soup for lunch today
-the start of a roast veg and chicken dinner for tomorrow night.
I've done three loads of laundry, and I am seriously considering making cookies this afternoon. I think I'm channeling Martha Stewart, but I'm not particularly bothered. Perhaps I should be.
As an aside, I almost did not get this entry written- damned blogger would not let me in claiming I was using the wrong name and password.
I had been trying to log in as "sloppywench"
And so by noon today as I write this, I've managed to cook the following;
-a large container of eggplant and tomato based cannelloni sauce,
-tonight's Sloppy Joe mix,
-the slow cooker is full to the lid with a hearty beef, pork and vegetable spaghetti sauce for the freezer,
-also, a rare treat for the doggies- a hodge podge of leftover vegetable bits, a mountain of chayote(Aussies call them Chokos) and chicken stock.
-Prawn dumpling soup for lunch today
-the start of a roast veg and chicken dinner for tomorrow night.
I've done three loads of laundry, and I am seriously considering making cookies this afternoon. I think I'm channeling Martha Stewart, but I'm not particularly bothered. Perhaps I should be.
As an aside, I almost did not get this entry written- damned blogger would not let me in claiming I was using the wrong name and password.
I had been trying to log in as "sloppywench"
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Give up the Funk
A number of years ago, when things with my first husband were on the outs, I went through a deep funk. I won't call it depression for reasons too involved to get into here, it was a funk, ok?
It culminated for me one day when I spent some half hour or more standing on the end of a platform in the London Tube network. Trying to work up the energy to fall over. The next train. Ok, so the very next one I'll do it. I still remember the sound echoing in my ears, the wind whipping my hair about my face, and the smell of fuel, damp and stale urine. Each time I froze at a train, I was sure the next one would be the right one.
I'm sure there must have been literally hundreds of people on that platform with me in all that time, but I was alone in my head and did not notice till someone spoke very very softly to me- and still scared the bejesus outta me. Just a normal looking guy, business suit and breifcase, standing about ten feet away and speaking so softly I had to strain to hear him.
"Please don't do it. But if you are going to do it anyhow, please sit down and give me just five minutes of your time".
I assumed he was a jesus freak and wanted to pray for me or some such. So I sat down. I had five minutes, and while I'm an athiest, my Dad's a minister- so I felt I really should listen a while. And so I listened. He was not a religious nutter. He was just a guy who's brother used to be a tube driver. Until he collected a jumper and was out on permanent disability for the shock and trauma of watching some guy splattered over his screen.
The guy never got close enough to touch me. But he managed to haul me away from the edge that day.
The next day, I happened to met Paula, and coincidentally I started to live again.
The past couple of years the funkiness has been building again. I'd feel it coming, push it back and go one. But yesterday I caught myself reading the fine print in the life insurance policy that goes along with my superannuation (Australia's forced retirement savings plan thingamajigger). I was trying to figure out if Sean would get a payout if I topped myself- how much it would be, and if the policy was still valid as I have not worked for a while, but have still paid the fees for this year.
And so I have realized that I'm back on that edge again.
Time to back away and haul myself out of this funk.
Who's with me?
It culminated for me one day when I spent some half hour or more standing on the end of a platform in the London Tube network. Trying to work up the energy to fall over. The next train. Ok, so the very next one I'll do it. I still remember the sound echoing in my ears, the wind whipping my hair about my face, and the smell of fuel, damp and stale urine. Each time I froze at a train, I was sure the next one would be the right one.
I'm sure there must have been literally hundreds of people on that platform with me in all that time, but I was alone in my head and did not notice till someone spoke very very softly to me- and still scared the bejesus outta me. Just a normal looking guy, business suit and breifcase, standing about ten feet away and speaking so softly I had to strain to hear him.
"Please don't do it. But if you are going to do it anyhow, please sit down and give me just five minutes of your time".
I assumed he was a jesus freak and wanted to pray for me or some such. So I sat down. I had five minutes, and while I'm an athiest, my Dad's a minister- so I felt I really should listen a while. And so I listened. He was not a religious nutter. He was just a guy who's brother used to be a tube driver. Until he collected a jumper and was out on permanent disability for the shock and trauma of watching some guy splattered over his screen.
The guy never got close enough to touch me. But he managed to haul me away from the edge that day.
The next day, I happened to met Paula, and coincidentally I started to live again.
The past couple of years the funkiness has been building again. I'd feel it coming, push it back and go one. But yesterday I caught myself reading the fine print in the life insurance policy that goes along with my superannuation (Australia's forced retirement savings plan thingamajigger). I was trying to figure out if Sean would get a payout if I topped myself- how much it would be, and if the policy was still valid as I have not worked for a while, but have still paid the fees for this year.
And so I have realized that I'm back on that edge again.
Time to back away and haul myself out of this funk.
Who's with me?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
In which I come over all emo-like.
I've spent half the morning crying, giving myself panda eyes from eye makeup, and generally just being emo- all because of a well-timed email from one of my closest friends on the planet. "Friends" does not even suffice, really. I hope each and every one of you knows what I mean by this. It is my sincere wish that you all knows what it means to have acquaintances, friends, and then there are those select few confidantes that are something more then mere friend. Spiritually connected , maybe. They are the people in your life, that no matter what, know when you need them and manage to somehow reach out at the right time.
Geoff's letter started with him saying he simply HAD to write me, was driven to do so, but what not sure why.
I know why. I needed a connection to something real. I open my email, and there it was.
We live on opposite sides of the planet. We've not seen each other since 2007. But reading his email resulted in an experience much richer then words on a screen. I could hear his voice saying the words, sometimes choking up a little, sometimes with an edge of laughter. And better then that, I could smell him. Right there with me.
Bugger. Now I've gone all emo again.
If you have not guessed it, I've been having a rough few weeks.There's nothing in particular wrong. I just feel overwhelmed by Sean's depression. Guilty if I am happy, but unable to do anything to help him out of his funk.I grow more and more convinced with the passing months that anti depressants were not the answer, and in fact, I question whether he was missdiagnosed from the start and does not have depression at all. He's also been diagnosed with Anxiety and ADHD. Both of which I agree with. But the combination of a strong antidepressant, vallium and now ritalin is doing him no favours. 2 years on antidepressants with no noticeable change- except increasing anxiety attacks and chest pains severe enough to have twice landed him in emergency as we thought he was having a heart attack.
And so, this has been my life. It's only the last couple of days that I have recognized why that is getting to me so much- I'm living his life for him, doing things he needs doe to make him function- I'm not doing anything for me anymore.
I'm just feeling disconnected from life- like things are on hold till he gets better. But they have been that way for a while.
I need to start living for me again. I need to do things just for me, and I need to reconnect with my friends, my family- everything I have is a life shared with Sean.
So it is serendipitous to have words from a better-then-friend in my inbox. To remind me where I come from, what I am, and what I miss. I miss home, I miss the boys. But mostly I miss me.
Think it is time to find me again. And then, when I do, I'm going to go beat the boy with my newly- reclaimed happiness stick till it fixes what ails him.
Geoff's letter started with him saying he simply HAD to write me, was driven to do so, but what not sure why.
I know why. I needed a connection to something real. I open my email, and there it was.
We live on opposite sides of the planet. We've not seen each other since 2007. But reading his email resulted in an experience much richer then words on a screen. I could hear his voice saying the words, sometimes choking up a little, sometimes with an edge of laughter. And better then that, I could smell him. Right there with me.
Bugger. Now I've gone all emo again.
If you have not guessed it, I've been having a rough few weeks.There's nothing in particular wrong. I just feel overwhelmed by Sean's depression. Guilty if I am happy, but unable to do anything to help him out of his funk.I grow more and more convinced with the passing months that anti depressants were not the answer, and in fact, I question whether he was missdiagnosed from the start and does not have depression at all. He's also been diagnosed with Anxiety and ADHD. Both of which I agree with. But the combination of a strong antidepressant, vallium and now ritalin is doing him no favours. 2 years on antidepressants with no noticeable change- except increasing anxiety attacks and chest pains severe enough to have twice landed him in emergency as we thought he was having a heart attack.
And so, this has been my life. It's only the last couple of days that I have recognized why that is getting to me so much- I'm living his life for him, doing things he needs doe to make him function- I'm not doing anything for me anymore.
I'm just feeling disconnected from life- like things are on hold till he gets better. But they have been that way for a while.
I need to start living for me again. I need to do things just for me, and I need to reconnect with my friends, my family- everything I have is a life shared with Sean.
So it is serendipitous to have words from a better-then-friend in my inbox. To remind me where I come from, what I am, and what I miss. I miss home, I miss the boys. But mostly I miss me.
Think it is time to find me again. And then, when I do, I'm going to go beat the boy with my newly- reclaimed happiness stick till it fixes what ails him.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to Toowoomba we go!
We only relocated to Ipswich in May, needing a bigger place to house the ever-growing tribe. When we did so, it was a doozey of a move, but necessary, to ensure everyone had their own space- and no one had to resort to sleeping on the couch anymore!
I never anticipated moving again anytime soon, that's for sure.
And yet, here I am this weekend, packing our extensive library which is now threatening to choke out the hallway. I love packing, and the excitement of change and renewal that comes with a move. I love the unpacking and creating a new home out of the chaos of packing crates. I hate the physical move itself, and the loading and unloading of moving trucks.
Scootah has been working for about 4 months now in Toowoomba, and making the hour long drive twice a day for that long. It's become unfair to expect him to continue with the commute which makes his days unbearably long, and gives him no social life or down-time during the week.
So we have made the decision to leave the _House of the Wayward Perves_ and relocate to Toowoomba for 6 months/a year, to allow Scootah to enjoy a better work/life balance. It was in our plans to relocate to the Gold Coast in late 2010, and we will still aim to that, but the drives have become too much for us both to cope with.
We will be moving in three weekends, on the 21st- notice to leave was strategically planned so that we could still attend Retribution in November without being exhausted from moving. I have not actually found a place in Toowoomba yet, and as I will be in classes all of this coming week, locating a property to rent will be delayed until next weekend at the earliest- but I live living on the edge like that...I had to set a deadline to ensure action- on everyone's part!
I have had a look around, and there is plenty available- we will look for a 3-4 bedroom right in the heart of the city. I'm confident I han make this happen within the deadline.
Our boy is looking for work to come with us, and will stay with friends of his here in the interm, as there is no suitable transport available to him to allow him to live with us while retaining his current job.
So look out, Mountain....we are about to invade!
I never anticipated moving again anytime soon, that's for sure.
And yet, here I am this weekend, packing our extensive library which is now threatening to choke out the hallway. I love packing, and the excitement of change and renewal that comes with a move. I love the unpacking and creating a new home out of the chaos of packing crates. I hate the physical move itself, and the loading and unloading of moving trucks.
Scootah has been working for about 4 months now in Toowoomba, and making the hour long drive twice a day for that long. It's become unfair to expect him to continue with the commute which makes his days unbearably long, and gives him no social life or down-time during the week.
So we have made the decision to leave the _House of the Wayward Perves_ and relocate to Toowoomba for 6 months/a year, to allow Scootah to enjoy a better work/life balance. It was in our plans to relocate to the Gold Coast in late 2010, and we will still aim to that, but the drives have become too much for us both to cope with.
We will be moving in three weekends, on the 21st- notice to leave was strategically planned so that we could still attend Retribution in November without being exhausted from moving. I have not actually found a place in Toowoomba yet, and as I will be in classes all of this coming week, locating a property to rent will be delayed until next weekend at the earliest- but I live living on the edge like that...I had to set a deadline to ensure action- on everyone's part!
I have had a look around, and there is plenty available- we will look for a 3-4 bedroom right in the heart of the city. I'm confident I han make this happen within the deadline.
Our boy is looking for work to come with us, and will stay with friends of his here in the interm, as there is no suitable transport available to him to allow him to live with us while retaining his current job.
So look out, Mountain....we are about to invade!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Send me an Ark
We have moved, and we are now mostly unpacked in the new place.The internet only just got connected yesterday (Monday), but there seems to be issues with both the internet and the home phone line- the phone line worked when they set it up, but stopped working a couple of hours later and they tell us it might be a week before they can send someone out to look at it.
If you have been seeing any news from Australia/Queensland, you will
have seen the news on the flooding and the declaration of the whole
area of South-East Queensland and Northern New South Wales as a
natural disaster area. The flooding was extensive, as over the course of a week of heavy rains, the two worst day had well over 300 cms of rain each! Our place is on top of a hill, and we suffered no damage whatsoever. Our street was extensively flooded, with sections of road washed away. The street was closed down for a few days so we were stranded- Sean's Mom was here for coffee and got stuck for three days! But for us it was just fun, while for the others it was thousands and thousands of dollars of damage to each household, as many had flooded up to 3-4 feet.
Once the rains stopped, it only took a day for the flood to subside in
out neighbourhood- our place backs onto a river, which was able to
wash away the worst of it once it stopped falling from the sky.
There are large parts of the area still using boats to travel from
house to house though.
Click the link below and then when it opens up, click where it says
"Wild weather" for some photos taken in the last two weeks in my area.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/photos/2009/05/20/2575851.htm
Anyway- I'd best get back to the last of the unpacking. I will email as
appropriate once the phone line is fixed so those who need it can get
the new number- since this is the first time we will have had an actual
phone in years, we will be able to call and talk more often- it gets crazy
expensive to call overseas on our mobile phones.
If you have been seeing any news from Australia/Queensland, you will
have seen the news on the flooding and the declaration of the whole
area of South-East Queensland and Northern New South Wales as a
natural disaster area. The flooding was extensive, as over the course of a week of heavy rains, the two worst day had well over 300 cms of rain each! Our place is on top of a hill, and we suffered no damage whatsoever. Our street was extensively flooded, with sections of road washed away. The street was closed down for a few days so we were stranded- Sean's Mom was here for coffee and got stuck for three days! But for us it was just fun, while for the others it was thousands and thousands of dollars of damage to each household, as many had flooded up to 3-4 feet.
Once the rains stopped, it only took a day for the flood to subside in
out neighbourhood- our place backs onto a river, which was able to
wash away the worst of it once it stopped falling from the sky.
There are large parts of the area still using boats to travel from
house to house though.
Click the link below and then when it opens up, click where it says
"Wild weather" for some photos taken in the last two weeks in my area.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/photos/2009/05/20/2575851.htm
Anyway- I'd best get back to the last of the unpacking. I will email as
appropriate once the phone line is fixed so those who need it can get
the new number- since this is the first time we will have had an actual
phone in years, we will be able to call and talk more often- it gets crazy
expensive to call overseas on our mobile phones.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Little-Miss-Sunshine
Ain't so sunshine-y anymore.
I think I've lost myself somewhere in this past year. Either that or dealing with life and the things that are affecting those I love has simply drained me of lifeforce. I've always been a "glass half full" sort of person- someone who was always able to be patient to wait, because things always get better with time, right? No matter how rough my day, I always went to bed knowing things would be a little better tomorrow.
I cannot remember the last time I went to bed looking forward to a new day. Most nights I don't care whether or not I wake up.
I get out of bed, and some days I can't find the will to shower. Some days I cannot be bothered to brush my hair. Life is too much a bother. I'm too busy un-willingly playing Mommy to everyone around me- because I have to. Because if I didn't, their lives would be worsened. In at least one case, they'd probably decide not to live anymore at all.
I used to be strong. Now I'm just a shell. Empty. I've actually stopped believing that things will improve. They've been so fucked for so long, despite my best efforts to right them, and with future circumstance being what they are, they won't get better anytime soon. And I'm out of energy to care anymore.
This is not a cry for help. It's not a goodbye note. I don't have the energy to top myself, either.
I have been breaking myself into small pieces and packaging them out to people in my life that need help, and accidentally I've given too much. And there are so many people that need my help right now. My niece is here for a few more months, and her mom has just come out of the hospital after major surgery. She's hurting and missing home, and a little fragile. I have a friend and her teen son here because she had a crazy ex who was abusive, so they are here indefinitely licking their wounds. And my husband is shadowed by the depression demon. Husband number two, depression number two. My batting average is just not that great.
All I want is for someone to take care of me. I've been self sufficient almost my entire life. I'm the caregiver. But I think I'm broken. So few people in my life have needed less from me then they have given. Funny to think of it, but Paula was probably the best Daddy I've ever had. One of the few dynamics in my life that never required me to give a mountain of emotions.
So who has the superglue, then? I could use some.
I think I've lost myself somewhere in this past year. Either that or dealing with life and the things that are affecting those I love has simply drained me of lifeforce. I've always been a "glass half full" sort of person- someone who was always able to be patient to wait, because things always get better with time, right? No matter how rough my day, I always went to bed knowing things would be a little better tomorrow.
I cannot remember the last time I went to bed looking forward to a new day. Most nights I don't care whether or not I wake up.
I get out of bed, and some days I can't find the will to shower. Some days I cannot be bothered to brush my hair. Life is too much a bother. I'm too busy un-willingly playing Mommy to everyone around me- because I have to. Because if I didn't, their lives would be worsened. In at least one case, they'd probably decide not to live anymore at all.
I used to be strong. Now I'm just a shell. Empty. I've actually stopped believing that things will improve. They've been so fucked for so long, despite my best efforts to right them, and with future circumstance being what they are, they won't get better anytime soon. And I'm out of energy to care anymore.
This is not a cry for help. It's not a goodbye note. I don't have the energy to top myself, either.
I have been breaking myself into small pieces and packaging them out to people in my life that need help, and accidentally I've given too much. And there are so many people that need my help right now. My niece is here for a few more months, and her mom has just come out of the hospital after major surgery. She's hurting and missing home, and a little fragile. I have a friend and her teen son here because she had a crazy ex who was abusive, so they are here indefinitely licking their wounds. And my husband is shadowed by the depression demon. Husband number two, depression number two. My batting average is just not that great.
All I want is for someone to take care of me. I've been self sufficient almost my entire life. I'm the caregiver. But I think I'm broken. So few people in my life have needed less from me then they have given. Funny to think of it, but Paula was probably the best Daddy I've ever had. One of the few dynamics in my life that never required me to give a mountain of emotions.
So who has the superglue, then? I could use some.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
He's not aggressive- he's just...broken.
My husband's Dr recently changed his depression medication. So on Monday, he hit the big breakdown I have been expecting for months now- maybe closer to a year. And off to the Emergency Department we went.
Hospitals are obviously not a happy place- even if you are not depressed. To their credit, once past the admitting red tape, we only had to wait about 20-30 minutes to see a psychiatrist. The hospital nearest us is in a low-rent area, so the waiting room was full of the usual poverty-striken crowds- a guy being treated for addiction, a teen mother with her gaggle of half-dressed children, and another ranting that no one had given her a voucher for a free taxi home,and so on. I also think that tuning the TV to medical drama soap operas in a waiting room is generally a bad idea. But maybe that's just me. Since we had never been to this hospital before, I first had to go through the process of getting his registered as a new patient.
"Can I help you"?
Me;"Yes- my husband is being treated for depression- he was on Effexor but they have just swapped him to Pristiq, and he's had a breakdown and needs to see a psychiatrist"
"Where is your husband?"
Me; "He's the full grown man man sitting on the floor behind me curled up into a ball crying and sobbing so loud you have to shout at me"
"Well, what's wrong with him?"
Me "He is having a breakdown and needs to see a psychiatrist"
"But what is wrong with him right at this particular moment?"
Me; "He is unable to speak or function in any manner, and he wants to die- now get me a damned psychiatrist"
"Is he aggressive?"
Me; "No, he is not aggressive- he is just... broken. Please help"
After a few more minutes of this, ~I~ wound up getting aggressive, at which point a supervisor come along, took one look at us and directed us to go sit down and she would send a psychiatrist out to collect us shortly.
A while later they discharged him to go home, after a counselling session wherein they decided the best thing for him was to maintain his routine and not disrupt things too much. Which would have been fine, except that on Tuesday, I had to pack him onto a plane to go back to work- at a mine site 4000 km's from here, in the middle of a big fucking dessert with no Dr's on site, only a nurse.And then the fucker forgets to check in with me at night. He called today to tell me he was to tired to talk and fell asleep right away, and to say that he had texted- the texts still have not shown up. He sounds more together. But I won't feel comfortable until he is back in my arms alive and breathing.
I'm so scared. I wish i could fix him. Then again, I tried to fix my first husband too and could not help- he got better only after we were no longer together. Go figure, huh? I'm one of the strongest and most cheerful people I know, and yet, I keep making my men depressed.
And on to other news';
We've listed our home, finally. it goes to auction on May 1st- this is a good thing. it's too small, it costs too much, and it keeps us financially tied to his father, from whom we wish to distance ourselves. So now I have 10 days to make the place view-able. Which will entail renting a storage unit, boxing up and storing everything that is not absolutely essential, clean the place top to bottom, and do a few handyman bits around the place (Re-install a cupboard, paint, etc).
Last weekend we drove to a darling friend of our's property, 5 miles into the outback, and left at her place our two large friendly-to-the-point-of -possibly-being-irritating dogs. The place absolutely echoes now in their absence.
And with all this stuff ahead of me to do, today it is raining so hard that I have decided the best thing for me is to curl up in bed with a book.
Hospitals are obviously not a happy place- even if you are not depressed. To their credit, once past the admitting red tape, we only had to wait about 20-30 minutes to see a psychiatrist. The hospital nearest us is in a low-rent area, so the waiting room was full of the usual poverty-striken crowds- a guy being treated for addiction, a teen mother with her gaggle of half-dressed children, and another ranting that no one had given her a voucher for a free taxi home,and so on. I also think that tuning the TV to medical drama soap operas in a waiting room is generally a bad idea. But maybe that's just me. Since we had never been to this hospital before, I first had to go through the process of getting his registered as a new patient.
"Can I help you"?
Me;"Yes- my husband is being treated for depression- he was on Effexor but they have just swapped him to Pristiq, and he's had a breakdown and needs to see a psychiatrist"
"Where is your husband?"
Me; "He's the full grown man man sitting on the floor behind me curled up into a ball crying and sobbing so loud you have to shout at me"
"Well, what's wrong with him?"
Me "He is having a breakdown and needs to see a psychiatrist"
"But what is wrong with him right at this particular moment?"
Me; "He is unable to speak or function in any manner, and he wants to die- now get me a damned psychiatrist"
"Is he aggressive?"
Me; "No, he is not aggressive- he is just... broken. Please help"
After a few more minutes of this, ~I~ wound up getting aggressive, at which point a supervisor come along, took one look at us and directed us to go sit down and she would send a psychiatrist out to collect us shortly.
A while later they discharged him to go home, after a counselling session wherein they decided the best thing for him was to maintain his routine and not disrupt things too much. Which would have been fine, except that on Tuesday, I had to pack him onto a plane to go back to work- at a mine site 4000 km's from here, in the middle of a big fucking dessert with no Dr's on site, only a nurse.And then the fucker forgets to check in with me at night. He called today to tell me he was to tired to talk and fell asleep right away, and to say that he had texted- the texts still have not shown up. He sounds more together. But I won't feel comfortable until he is back in my arms alive and breathing.
I'm so scared. I wish i could fix him. Then again, I tried to fix my first husband too and could not help- he got better only after we were no longer together. Go figure, huh? I'm one of the strongest and most cheerful people I know, and yet, I keep making my men depressed.
And on to other news';
We've listed our home, finally. it goes to auction on May 1st- this is a good thing. it's too small, it costs too much, and it keeps us financially tied to his father, from whom we wish to distance ourselves. So now I have 10 days to make the place view-able. Which will entail renting a storage unit, boxing up and storing everything that is not absolutely essential, clean the place top to bottom, and do a few handyman bits around the place (Re-install a cupboard, paint, etc).
Last weekend we drove to a darling friend of our's property, 5 miles into the outback, and left at her place our two large friendly-to-the-point-of -possibly-being-irritating dogs. The place absolutely echoes now in their absence.
And with all this stuff ahead of me to do, today it is raining so hard that I have decided the best thing for me is to curl up in bed with a book.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)